Love and Pain are One in the Same

28 03 2016

[photo by vaughn brown – model Cydney Young]

575813_527037100669051_2081773692_nLove is a two way street. It flows and it ebbs. It gives and receives.

Love does not take.

Anger takes and anger abuses the loving places withing our heart spaces where love once lived, from where love was given.

If love is not given back to fill empty love places within our empty heart spaces our hearts break and make sad faces.

Do not take love unless you have love to give.

Only receive love if you want love to help your life live.

Then plant that love in your heart to let it grow, then let your heart flow unto another space within loving heart’s grace.

So that beauty may abound with all hearts around in a loving place to give loving grace in the heart space where love once lived and was given to another to fulfill a dream and uplift a spirit to dream and cast away fate and find unimaginable joy with another’s love, to be entangled in a beautiful tapestry of colorful, creative joy and compassionate kindness to help us find wisdom and beauty around to abound in a rainbow like dream where our thoughts can unwind and our cares fall away like the cocoon of a new growing butterfly’s wing.

To take flight through the grace of a loving Creator’s stroke of a colorful brush of life to breathe and to grow to flow and to know and to be and to see and to give back and never attack but defend to the end without hesitation or trepidation encumbering ways for selfishness pays a recompense that cannot be accounted for when the heart is given away and broken down forgotten about for a short time of thoughtless pacification and selfish abandon of the fortress you used and abused to take flight in the night when you were scared and unprepared to survive or to thrive through the battle of another love-storm where you were forlorn to take from the heart of a man who would live and give and give back and not attack or demand but sit empty and destitute when the war was over because you got yours and were protected by him given dreams fulfilled in the fantasies of your mind to use his loving grace and compassionate face to hold up and show up then throw away when he was a man with empty heart spaces having given but never received because he was never fulfilled or refilled after giving his love and his life to fill your empty spaces you tossed him away like a horse out to pasture with laughter and sought after another to fill your empty heart space because you took his and did not use it wisely and killed his heart like a murdering Jezebel or thief in the night taking what you saw that could get you by for another day with no regard for the hurt you left behind and the anguish and pain you filled a loving man’s heart spaces to fall away and have nothing more to give or receive.

But he did not die because his loving Savior replaced the false ugly waste you filled in the place of his empty heart space.

You killed me and left me for dead because my heart was hurt but I gave it to you to refill the empty spaces taken from the abuse of the man before me and you killed my heart and took my children and trashed my name when all I ever did was work hard and fill the empty spaces in your heart.

But you got filled up and fulfilled and then you saw chinks in my armor that were put there, battling for you, battle scars to save you from a monster who abused you and I only loved you and gave my life to you and when I was battle weary you cast me away like an old worn out shoe or a battle scarred coat of armor that once shined to protect your gentle and loving heart.

I gave my strength to you to use to rebuild your esteem and when you sprouted up, back into life, you cast me away like an old broken down tool and took our children and played out a new narrative to pacify your mind after having destroyed my esteem after I gave you my all and all of my love to you without asking anything in return.

And I self medicated so that I could be strong for you but you did not want to understand why or give a thought about how I could do that to give my heart space out of compassionate grace to an angel in need a beautiful princess whose beauty I found unimaginable and so I gave my heart to it because she was in need such beauty to see and to love and to receive and give back in return for she was the passion I desired in love and it came without bounds and filled my empty heart spaces when I was broken down and hurting and trying to fill my heart spaces with something good and her beautify and love fit me like a glove in those spaces so nice and made me feel like a prince.

Alive once again to take flight on the wings of a dove to get my life back and attack all that had gotten me down until I almost drowned in my own iniquity and sorrow having lost at loves battle from a woman who promised for eternity to be honest but did not fulfill the bill and used her free will to kill my heart and ill my life to take from me my livelihood grace and demand more from the courts like a whore where she wrote laws and forced law and like cat paws on my skin to cut within and give pain and drain me from my resources so that she could fill her empty heart places with things she did not understand or try to comprehend until the end as she covenanted with me and the angels on high through God’s grace pacify my wounds she would not but took from me like a hook in fishes mouth to lead and bleed from all that I needed to keep her pacified until I die she will always deny the truth she abused from a loving man’s heart that she killed with a knife like a thief in the night.

I gave what they demanded of me to pacify their needs to fulfill their heart’s dreams not asking for anything in return, nor expecting anything to be paid back but all I got was abuse from the lack of love to be given to fill my heart’s empty spaces after letting them lean on me and fill their empty heart spaces with my love to combine and move forward in time without me, to be free, cast away like a flea, to never be remembered or given honor in heaven, just to be used and abused to be amused in life without strife not a wife or a husband to be loved with the beauty above but ugliness on the ground all around to expound upon his giving grave when you tossed it all back in his face to make haste with a race you could not keep up nor sleep up in time with a fellow not mellow whose beauty unkind not like mine to use and abuse throughout time.

But I will not forget the morning sunrise to recollect and ponder upon a perception you asked how could a love last as it was given to you to fill your empty heart’s place like a puzzle from grace from the space that we made and had when we were glad about life without strife coming down to abound all around our hearts measure to never deliver the deceiver within with a pen to take down to the end and give back in attack when your heart’s Cadillac could not track the traces upon faces you left ingratiated.

There are times in my mind when I find so unkind the love of a Jezebel who put me through hell to dwell upon cases out of court without braces.  To pacify a need in time with mine taken from my heart spaces, the children we love, who fit us like a glove to love and give love but you used it to attack like cat scratch on a mat that left me to bleed and supersede the throng that went on and on in my mind throughout time never again to be born or forlorn from a heart’s loving grace to make emptiness space.

And if it were not for the grace of a loving son’s face, my savior he saved me from societies game.

The love and compassion from my greatest brother from above, the great I am, yes indeed  Sam I am, with green eggs and ham.  He pacified my lonely heart’s break never again to undertake a carpenter’s will without bill or some skill to be used and abused without will to fulfill until the last day when we all pray for blessing above to help us to recover enough to be strong and unwind without bounds to be around and not frown but remember the loving uncovering endeavor you took to make space without grace in his face.

And it’s time to unwind from your  mind second time to give rest to all recompense to get love when lost love was taken to trash that you trashed for your won battle axe

And now it is time to unwind and dine upon feast without grief like the thief she gave relief from a good loving man whose hand was bound to the ground for monetary’s sake must we break bread to undertake the pain of love lost for a scorn.

And now you are confused because you abused without muse or pacification all around like a clown showing off with a frown to be sad and not glad.  To under achieve for a need for your greed to succeed to be trained and left out to hang out and be without but not without love from above to help a man who has a plan but you demand an agenda from on high that abides like a mouse in his sleep to keep me from knowing, not growing and lonely forlorning like a glove from a dove this amount does not count and again you are confused by rules that you enforce with divorce.

Rights taken but not given will live on in Heaven where love will abound without you like a clown in need, yes indeed my pretty princess subside.

But if you will with your skill try to fill my bill with a thrill I will allow you to explain with the pain that remains because Christ has come over me from Christi to Erica Gandy and I am allowed to be proud and not let my mouth give a frown.  To be undone to undermine is not the cause because love was given then driven into the ground without women.





Stay High

14 02 2016

mc5I wrote “stay high” in one of my stoner girlfriends’ yearbooks in my Jr. year of high school. And she left her yearbook behind in class one day and the teacher opened it and started reading the comments.  So dude called my parents and said we needed to do a drug intervention with me, just because I told her to stay high.

I didn’t do drugs like those chicks.  They were way more mature and older than me.  I started school a year earlier than I should have so I was always with older kids in the same class and I witnessed things earlier than I should have.

They would come to school on Monday, after the weekend talking about taking LSD and Cocaine and having sex with their older boyfriends.  I just listened and let it roll off my back because I knew I was way too young for that business.  But they liked me a lot so they would travail me with these stories of slutty-hood and debauchery.

So I knew they liked to party and they were my friends in school so I wrote, “stay high” in her yearbook and the adults all freaked out on me.  And her too, but she laughed it off because her parents allowed her these luxuries.

But not mine, and not that I would have wanted to do that stuff at such a young age, I wouldn’t have.  They would tell me that I needed to take LSD with them and then they would “take advantage” of me in the bedroom.

Sounds about what every high school boy dreams of, it actually happened to me but I just put it out of my mind because I knew I was going on a mission for Jesus Christ when I was 19 and I had to remain pure as I could.  But I smoked a lot of weed, and drank alcohol and made out with a lot of chicks…I just never went all the way like those crazy chicas wanted me too.

And after the discovery of “stay high” in the yearbook, I was grounded for two months by my parents.  Man, that sucked.  I got grounded a lot, and for long times too because I did some stuff I should not have done, but it was never as severe as my parents imagined, and during lecture time I never said anything, just listened to them tell me what kind of trouble I was getting into for coming home smelling like smoke.

Man, I must have driven my parents nuts in my latter high school years.  They have no idea I was merely the celibate stoner.  I just liked my brain escape from the harshness of home, but I wasn’t out womanizing or anything like my other buddies were.





Following Patterns and Achieving Balance and Healthy Living through the Application of Natural Law and Common Sense

4 02 2013

patternPatterns are so important in life.

Think about it.

We use a pattern to sew a dress, we use a pattern to follow after anything we try to learn that has come before us. Patterns are all around us and they are the fabric that make up our humanity; the vast tapestry of emotion, reaction and triggered response we live through every day.

We are all conditioned to follow after a pattern.  We find patterns that are pleasing to us and we follow after patterns that are familiar such as the pattern belief that says if you go out in the rain without a coat  you’ll catch a cold.

How could a cold virus be thwarted by the wearing of a jacket?  Does the cold virus live in rain drops?

mountainsWhen I was in my first psychology class in college my professor told us a story about a young couple who baked a ham for dinner.  He said that the bride would cut the ends of the ham off and then toss them into the trash as part of the preparation and she thought that’s how you baked a ham.

Because her mother had a pan only big enough to fit a ham if it’s ends were cut off.

It’s important that we often ask ourselves why we do the things we do and it would enliven our lives to change up our routines from time to time.  This is the key to staying young and feeling exuberant  because if we sit around following after the same old patterns our ancestors followed then we’re going to die of all the same diseases they died of.

Our minds have far more control over our bodies than we realize.

I can tell you as surely as I am breathing that a virus could run through me without making me sick and that same virus would make ill most of the population of this country.

How is this possible?  Mind over matter isn’t just a cliche.

The key to health and growth is all within us.  It’s inside of us.

Our society is so caught up on the outward appearance that we go to extravagant lengths to look good on the outside, to have good skin and few wrinkles but inside require all kinds of medication just to get through the day.

Its all backwards.

reflectionThere is a revolution going on right now and people are finally coming to realize that they if they want to look good they have to feel good on the inside first.

It seems we just can’t fake it like we used to.

It’s time to get back to nature and allow our bodies to be what they were created to be.  It’s OK to get sun rays on our skin.  Vitamin D is good!  Don’t fear the sun.

You won’t get skin cancer by spending more than average time in the sun if you treat your body right on the inside.  This I promise you.  But if you are consuming aspartame and processed food by-product you might be a cancer patient.

It’s important that we monitor what we put into our bodies.  We are what we eat, as they used to tell us back in school.

If Popeye ate all that spinach so he could kick Bluto’s butt you better believe it still works today.

Its about educating yourselves and choosing the right diet and exercise.  To build a healthy body you need protein.  It’s what we’re made of, the rules don’t change.

So is eating a lot of chicken, beef, pork, whey, soy or dairy the answer?

Sure you’re eating protein but you’re not consuming protein in a way that the body is ready to use for itself.  What you need are the building blocks of protein.  This is like trying to paint a house with the paint that has already been sprayed on the neighbor’s house.

drumsladderFor our bodies to build themselves up, to regenerate what is lost or fortify what we already have, we need the essential building blocks of protein that come to us in the form of essential amino acids.

And this is where we begin to understand how Popeye and his spinach got along so well.

He became Captain Amazing after a quick can of spinach. Imagine if Popeye got  his energy from a side of beef.  Olive Oil and Brutus would be together rocking Sweet Pea to sleep while Popeye went to get his colon checked.

Popeye understood something the rest of us didn’t.

‘I am what I am’, he says.  He’s the master of his own machine.

What is protein made from?  Amino acid chains.  And that’s what spinach gave to Popeye; the essential amino acids needed to immediately stand ready for battle against Brutus and all his brawn.

Spinach makes him strong to the finich ’cause he’s Popeye the sailor man.

These are good patterns to follow after but they have been lost to McDonald’s and fast food consequences.

McDonald’s made me fat and now I have a broken pancreas.

I think the truth of the matter is that you have a broken will that gives in to delicious over-hydrogenated fatty foods.  Then when you get cancer or fibro mayalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome or whatever new syndrome it is you get as a result of filling your body full of unnatural nutrients you stand back and say,  “aw man, I bet it was all those x-rays I got when I was a kid at the dentists’s office.”

Or maybe your pjamas were made from asbestos.

nycEither way you went and got yourself some cancer and now it’s time to figure out if you’re going to let the doctors kill you or let the cancer kill you.

The cancer industry is a thriving market ready to take all comers. Bring on your cancer!

“We’ll shoot you full of chemicals that will put you on the verge of death, and just before going to the other side we might be able to bring you back from the depths of anguish and hell in our attempt to kill the cancer.  All in a days work to make a buck.”

Our minds can overcome our bodies!

It is said that every human wins on average about six bouts of cancer throughout their lifetimes without even being aware.

Our bodies are our own.  We owe it to ourselves to know them better than we do and to take better care of them than we do.

Sure we are resilient but resilience only goes so far and then you’re just pushing the limits.  So it’s important to understand what our bodies are made of, where those compounds come from and understand the basics of cell biology since we are all made up of trillions of individual cells all functioning on an individual level, all together in harmony for our benefit.

seagullSo our trillions of cells work in unison to do the bidding of the control center in our brain  where all ideas and reactions are given and received and processed; this is mere daily life to all of us.

We receive stimulus from our environments and we respond to that stimulous with the behavior patterns we have been taught and we fall in line with predetermined outcomes based on our genetic makeup, so we have been told; but is there a different truth that has been overlooked?

Why does cancer run in the family?  Why is Alzheimer’s passed on from generation to generation?

Is it possible to break these patterns of disease and forge a new way forward to greater health?  If so then how?  And if it’s possible to do so then that means we are not slaves to genetic code.  So here we are faced with the debate of nature vs. nurture; environment vs. genetics.

Are we more powerful than we have given ourselves credit for?

How is it possible for us to evolve over time into these ingenious human entities that function on such high levels, having come from such species as crawling lumps of slime to chest beating cro-magnon man [uprightus-beat-you-on-the-head-with-a-clubbus] to what we are now if our minds and wills didn’t have the power to make the changes necessary for evolution and survival?

Is it survival of the fittest or is it evolution of the smartest?

Or is it possible that things happen for other reasons and that mankind has figured out some of it and just guessed at the rest in an attempt to connect the dots to fill in the spaces they can’t prove scientifically?

And these spaces they fill are mere holding places, theories; unproven ideas that make sense to a group of thinkers or to the one who pursues an idea until he himself is satisfied.

And these unproven theories or mere guesses that seem plausible under one light that has been shed on the issue thus far, after enough time and repetition are used to fill in the gaps satisfactorily to the degree that somewhere along the way someone calls the theory a fact, and it goes overlooked, unchecked and is somehow suddenly viewed as common knowledge.

And this albeit false common understanding, these unproven theories remain nothing more than educated guesses and so today we have things like the Big Bang Theory and Darwinian logic being out-poured as proven science.

Fifty800BWAnd the energy that has gone into indoctrinating the masses to accept these theories for convenience has overwhelmed the notion that they are plausible guesses and that they may be incorrect, but an entire establishment of academia and standards are then built on their suppositions.

And when someone comes along to remind them that these things are still only theories, not actually reproducible in the scientific laboratory, we are rebutted with the notion that some alternate idea, some other theory of belief that has been held up as an opponent to whatever is at stake, is just as much a fairy tale or unproven lump of conveniently connected dots used to pacify a curious mind, to fit into someone’s dogmatic makeup or construct.

So we are given the rhetoric of Evolution vs. Creationism and all the assumptions that go along those commonly understood theories.

And we are left still with nothing more than debate, opinion and argument that have led to frustration, rancor and division of people who have taken sides rather than peaceful, accepted truth, which is that we can’t prove everything and that just because one thing makes sense to one person it’s still OK that someone else doesn’t get it, or that they get it but don’t  like it so they choose to follow a different set of guidelines.

And this creates division among people and persons and groups, societies, nations, religious lines and cultures, etc.

And sometimes these differences can coexist but sometimes they just can’t; and it’s chaos to try and make them.

It would be like trying to dissolve vegetable oil in water.  It’s just not possible.  They can exist side by side but won’t combine and the longer you leave the two together undisturbed the more separated they become.  And the only way to get them to show any sort of compulsion toward unification is to violently stir them or shake them together, breaking them apart and dividing among themselves into smaller portions until you no longer see large pools of oil and water and it may seem like the oil and water has mixed but it has not.

eggsIt has only been so violently agitated these unified parts were broken apart and mixed together by force, and the only way to continue the false illusion is  to continue to agitate the solution.  Because leaving them to be in nature, they would eventually separate themselves to a more comfortable and natural state.

And so it goes to show that as hard as we try and as much as we hope to be able to prove something or make something that just is not, we have to follow truth.  We have to follow patterns that can be replicated naturally and not forced.  To force things is destructive and chaotic and breeds discontent and dissatisfaction.

Allowing things to settle in naturally feels right to the mind, body and spirit and brings enlightenment, truth and healing to the soul.  Balance can be achieved and harmony can be experienced, but only through the application of truth and correctly understood principles of Natural Law.





Two more images

3 05 2011

This one I call ‘I against I’.  I made a mistake and began to fill it in with colored pencils and hated the results.  Wish I hadn’t done that!

This is a portrait of a friend of mine, Dave Norton.  I met him years ago in Provo, Utah.  He is the younger brother of one of my neighbors and we became friends.  He was only sixteen years old, I was ten years older but he had some serious life experience under his belt and he was searching for something, I found him to be a sincere and talented young kid.





My Art, My Mind

30 04 2011

Here are a few more drawings I have from years gone by.  I have debated whether or not to share them but I decided it’s a good idea.

You can click the images for larger views.

This one I did while living in Seattle in the spring of 1992.  I was a young man and somewhat of a rebel.  I’m much smarter, or maybe just wiser these days.

...it's a lie

This one is exactly as titled.  After going through my teens and getting into my mid twenties I was forced to confront a huge inferiority complex and admit to myself that I was insecure and scared of the world.  I was an actor playing a role of confidence and seeking thrills to mask the fear, seeking chills to mask the pain.

...get yours today!

just fine, thanks!





A Sliver of the Mind’s Eye

16 04 2011

Another of my drawings.  This was done in 1993 or 1994, I’m not sure.  I really didn’t think they were of any value to me when I did them so I didn’t date them.  I’m glad I have these.  I have others somewhere that are far more spectacular, I have no clue where they are.  I hope not lost forever.  Click on the image to see the detail in a much larger version.  There’s a lot in here.  I think I drew on this thing for over a month.

Vaughn Brown





The Frayed Ends of Sanity

16 04 2011

This drawing has a lot of meaning to me.  I posted a photo of part of it in my previous bloggage after tweaking it in Photoshop a little bit for effect; but this is the original.  I love it for several reasons.  I drew this in the early winter of 1993 while working at a mental hospital.  Yup, I worked at the loony bin.  Makes sense if you think about it.  I call it The Frayed Ends of Sanity. And I was completely and totally 100% sober, no mind or mood altering substances partaken of during this time.

(drawn with ball point pen on typing paper)








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