Love and Pain are One in the Same

28 03 2016

[photo by vaughn brown – model Cydney Young]

575813_527037100669051_2081773692_nLove is a two way street. It flows and it ebbs. It gives and receives.

Love does not take.

Anger takes and anger abuses the loving places withing our heart spaces where love once lived, from where love was given.

If love is not given back to fill empty love places within our empty heart spaces our hearts break and make sad faces.

Do not take love unless you have love to give.

Only receive love if you want love to help your life live.

Then plant that love in your heart to let it grow, then let your heart flow unto another space within loving heart’s grace.

So that beauty may abound with all hearts around in a loving place to give loving grace in the heart space where love once lived and was given to another to fulfill a dream and uplift a spirit to dream and cast away fate and find unimaginable joy with another’s love, to be entangled in a beautiful tapestry of colorful, creative joy and compassionate kindness to help us find wisdom and beauty around to abound in a rainbow like dream where our thoughts can unwind and our cares fall away like the cocoon of a new growing butterfly’s wing.

To take flight through the grace of a loving Creator’s stroke of a colorful brush of life to breathe and to grow to flow and to know and to be and to see and to give back and never attack but defend to the end without hesitation or trepidation encumbering ways for selfishness pays a recompense that cannot be accounted for when the heart is given away and broken down forgotten about for a short time of thoughtless pacification and selfish abandon of the fortress you used and abused to take flight in the night when you were scared and unprepared to survive or to thrive through the battle of another love-storm where you were forlorn to take from the heart of a man who would live and give and give back and not attack or demand but sit empty and destitute when the war was over because you got yours and were protected by him given dreams fulfilled in the fantasies of your mind to use his loving grace and compassionate face to hold up and show up then throw away when he was a man with empty heart spaces having given but never received because he was never fulfilled or refilled after giving his love and his life to fill your empty spaces you tossed him away like a horse out to pasture with laughter and sought after another to fill your empty heart space because you took his and did not use it wisely and killed his heart like a murdering Jezebel or thief in the night taking what you saw that could get you by for another day with no regard for the hurt you left behind and the anguish and pain you filled a loving man’s heart spaces to fall away and have nothing more to give or receive.

But he did not die because his loving Savior replaced the false ugly waste you filled in the place of his empty heart space.

You killed me and left me for dead because my heart was hurt but I gave it to you to refill the empty spaces taken from the abuse of the man before me and you killed my heart and took my children and trashed my name when all I ever did was work hard and fill the empty spaces in your heart.

But you got filled up and fulfilled and then you saw chinks in my armor that were put there, battling for you, battle scars to save you from a monster who abused you and I only loved you and gave my life to you and when I was battle weary you cast me away like an old worn out shoe or a battle scarred coat of armor that once shined to protect your gentle and loving heart.

I gave my strength to you to use to rebuild your esteem and when you sprouted up, back into life, you cast me away like an old broken down tool and took our children and played out a new narrative to pacify your mind after having destroyed my esteem after I gave you my all and all of my love to you without asking anything in return.

And I self medicated so that I could be strong for you but you did not want to understand why or give a thought about how I could do that to give my heart space out of compassionate grace to an angel in need a beautiful princess whose beauty I found unimaginable and so I gave my heart to it because she was in need such beauty to see and to love and to receive and give back in return for she was the passion I desired in love and it came without bounds and filled my empty heart spaces when I was broken down and hurting and trying to fill my heart spaces with something good and her beautify and love fit me like a glove in those spaces so nice and made me feel like a prince.

Alive once again to take flight on the wings of a dove to get my life back and attack all that had gotten me down until I almost drowned in my own iniquity and sorrow having lost at loves battle from a woman who promised for eternity to be honest but did not fulfill the bill and used her free will to kill my heart and ill my life to take from me my livelihood grace and demand more from the courts like a whore where she wrote laws and forced law and like cat paws on my skin to cut within and give pain and drain me from my resources so that she could fill her empty heart places with things she did not understand or try to comprehend until the end as she covenanted with me and the angels on high through God’s grace pacify my wounds she would not but took from me like a hook in fishes mouth to lead and bleed from all that I needed to keep her pacified until I die she will always deny the truth she abused from a loving man’s heart that she killed with a knife like a thief in the night.

I gave what they demanded of me to pacify their needs to fulfill their heart’s dreams not asking for anything in return, nor expecting anything to be paid back but all I got was abuse from the lack of love to be given to fill my heart’s empty spaces after letting them lean on me and fill their empty heart spaces with my love to combine and move forward in time without me, to be free, cast away like a flea, to never be remembered or given honor in heaven, just to be used and abused to be amused in life without strife not a wife or a husband to be loved with the beauty above but ugliness on the ground all around to expound upon his giving grave when you tossed it all back in his face to make haste with a race you could not keep up nor sleep up in time with a fellow not mellow whose beauty unkind not like mine to use and abuse throughout time.

But I will not forget the morning sunrise to recollect and ponder upon a perception you asked how could a love last as it was given to you to fill your empty heart’s place like a puzzle from grace from the space that we made and had when we were glad about life without strife coming down to abound all around our hearts measure to never deliver the deceiver within with a pen to take down to the end and give back in attack when your heart’s Cadillac could not track the traces upon faces you left ingratiated.

There are times in my mind when I find so unkind the love of a Jezebel who put me through hell to dwell upon cases out of court without braces.  To pacify a need in time with mine taken from my heart spaces, the children we love, who fit us like a glove to love and give love but you used it to attack like cat scratch on a mat that left me to bleed and supersede the throng that went on and on in my mind throughout time never again to be born or forlorn from a heart’s loving grace to make emptiness space.

And if it were not for the grace of a loving son’s face, my savior he saved me from societies game.

The love and compassion from my greatest brother from above, the great I am, yes indeed  Sam I am, with green eggs and ham.  He pacified my lonely heart’s break never again to undertake a carpenter’s will without bill or some skill to be used and abused without will to fulfill until the last day when we all pray for blessing above to help us to recover enough to be strong and unwind without bounds to be around and not frown but remember the loving uncovering endeavor you took to make space without grace in his face.

And it’s time to unwind from your  mind second time to give rest to all recompense to get love when lost love was taken to trash that you trashed for your won battle axe

And now it is time to unwind and dine upon feast without grief like the thief she gave relief from a good loving man whose hand was bound to the ground for monetary’s sake must we break bread to undertake the pain of love lost for a scorn.

And now you are confused because you abused without muse or pacification all around like a clown showing off with a frown to be sad and not glad.  To under achieve for a need for your greed to succeed to be trained and left out to hang out and be without but not without love from above to help a man who has a plan but you demand an agenda from on high that abides like a mouse in his sleep to keep me from knowing, not growing and lonely forlorning like a glove from a dove this amount does not count and again you are confused by rules that you enforce with divorce.

Rights taken but not given will live on in Heaven where love will abound without you like a clown in need, yes indeed my pretty princess subside.

But if you will with your skill try to fill my bill with a thrill I will allow you to explain with the pain that remains because Christ has come over me from Christi to Erica Gandy and I am allowed to be proud and not let my mouth give a frown.  To be undone to undermine is not the cause because love was given then driven into the ground without women.

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Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

23 12 2015

ringsAt this Christmas Season I have to give thanks for the greatest things in my life.

It may seem odd because of the things she says about me, but first of all I am grateful for my mom. She taught me some great principles early in life that helped me build a strong foundation up on which I’ve built my life, and my self, and most importantly my testimony in Christ; which is my rock and the essence of my foundation, which gives me strength to stand and move forward with a smile and humor and love

I may seem somewhat rebellious, I’m not really, I just do not conform to societal norms, and that makes me seem rebellious, to society, and to what is generally deemed ‘normal’.

chainsAnd in reality, those are the things that my mother taught me, to stand up for what I believe in and love what it is feels right in my heart despite the pressures of peer persuasion.

So in teaching me that, which was what she did, and it was the right thing, she did not understand that she was teaching me to rise above the expectations of others, and carve my own groove, even if it did not resonate harmoniously with the vibrations of those around me.

Because my vibe is one of peace, that I love, and it’s ironic that everyone who I spend time with loves the time we’ve spent together, yet my family finds my life somehow unacceptable.I know ma ABCs!

But that’s the funny thing about life. We learn to love things in our personal ways that only we understand by having to endure the uncomfortableness and displeasure required to know the joys of life.

And that is why older people are calm and wise and happy and patient and find joy in small and simple things, such as the noise children make or the chirping of birds early in the morning, that used to annoy us as young people.

IMG_1679.CR2I am thankful for my dad. We don’t speak anymore because we are two completely different people. But he showed me by example all my life to be just like him, but taught my through principles and lessons of love to become my own person and achieve those things I love by not being concerned with what other people think of me.

Which is ironic too, because he was always concerned about what I did, because of the way it would reflect on him, but he made me into the unique and somewhat rebellious, flowery, charismatic and creative, artistic person I became whether he knows it or not. In our times of private discussion, that I used to hate because they were arduous and almost abusive lectures, he taught me grit, integrity, strength and tenacity that I couldn’t have gotten on the football field or basketball court or anywhere else in life.

He made me the compassionate badass that I am today, and I am grateful because he gave me the strength to endure the almost unendurable pains of life after divorce, losing everything I ever wanted, to find myself again and have meaning and purpose in life every new day, to wake up, even if I’m alone with a smile, and laugh and make every day worth while.

_DSC0079.NEFAnd I love my sister, Shannon, who I miss so much. We had so much fun growing up. She has a wonderful husband and wonderful kids, I’m so proud of her I can’t even put it into words.

And my friends. You know who you are, no need to give names or a list. We will be together in spirit or in body or on the other side. Get some and Go Again!

maxfeetAnd of course my children. I may not be with them, but I am with them because I made them and I am a part of them, I am in their hearts whether they think of me or not, and they are in mine and we exist because of one another and they give me joy and strength in this life to endure until the next life where there will be no sadness or memories of loss. All joy and love. So that is why I just love them so much, because they honor me by being just like me even though they don’t even realize they are.

They are kooky, hilarious, musical, creative, artistic, brilliant, intelligent, gorgeous, compassionate, unique, beacons of badassery and brightness, just like I taught them to me, each an individual, each of them together as one.

idahomountainsThank God for my life and for my Savior Jesus Christ who made this life possible and who make it possible for me to have the love for these wonderful people I love and that I will be able to love them for eternity.

Merry Christmas. Remember what this holiday season is. It’s not to get presents or eat food or have blinking lights on a tree. It’s to remember that we have a Savior who made it possible for us to have the joys we feel at this holiday season. Without Him, we would not know this happiness. Give thanks, and make the world a better place in 2016.





Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.





Do Something Good

22 01 2015

chains

Please do something good with no reward in mind and no benefit to self.

Please serve your brothers and sisters with compassionate love that you felt as a child toward another.

Please make something spectacular of your own design and imagination and creativity and share it with no one.

This is how we heal America.





Many Are Called But Few Are Chosen

21 01 2015

vbpnderanceMany are called but few are chosen.

And why are they not chosen? Because they put their hearts and minds on the things of this world and wish for status and to dominate over others with authority.

We are all called to do a great work, and sometimes we are released from our callings, to see if we will continue in the work…and THAT is how we become Chosen.

It is a call to service, to keep the two great and only Commandments given to us by Christ. Love the Lord, and serve our brothers and sisters. The ten commandments were given to the Jews by Moses. These are OUR Commandments.

If we learn to do those two things while we are called, and continue to do them after we are released, we become Chosen.





Parallels To Life – All Good Things

24 05 2014

Image

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are my soundtrack.  Everything they produce parallels my life.  I don’t understand how or why, but it is what it is.  The more I’ve listened to interviews with them the more I’ve seen how organically they allow their music and lyrics to come to them, they tap into the best energy and they pray for inspiration.  I think that is beautiful.  How many rock and rollers do something like that?  Humble themselves before God before they create their art form.  I think that’s why I feel such a bond with them.  And it’s almost like they were made for me, to guide me through the world.

I have them, and I have my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It’s bizarre, and I lov

e my life as kooky and psychedelic and funky as it is.  It’s full energy, full throttle, full-time and I freaking love it!  That’s why I’m a lone wolf though.  Few people can keep up with me.  Gary Piazza is one of my friends who can though.  He freaking rocks it like the Rockingfreakapotamus.  I love that dude so much!  He has helped me in my journey through life to find myself and to help me heal from my battle wounds from when I was living like a gypsy.  He has shared some good words of encouragement and good words of wisdom along the way that have set me straight when I was way off course…and he doesn’t even know it.  That’s what’s so awesome about good friends.  They genuinely care and love, and that’s how I feel about everyone.

I don’t know how I became this way.  I think it’s a gift from God.  But I do feel love for all of God’s creations from the Rhinoceros to the creepiest spider lurking in the darkness to all of humanity, even the stupid people.  But if I disagree with you I’ll let you know because I care about people, and I think I have been given a gift of clarity and seeing truth.  I try not to boast or seem arrogant and I come off that way sometimes.  I’m just blessed because I asked God on my knees in prayer to help me understand certain things.  And He has taken me through experiences in life and shown me things that most people don’t see.  And it’s not because I’m better than anyone, because I’m not.  It’s just because I asked the right questions, because I’m curious, and I kept my mind open to the possibilities and the answers, the answers that I knew not to expect, but to be taught, things that were unknown to me.

And He had to teach me line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little.  Because there had to be a foundation and a reference or a standard for me to measure things against as He taught me greater truth and knowledge, things that were previously unknown, incomprehensible to my mind.

It’s been quite a journey, but that’s why I was so out there for so many years.  I was gaining knowledge and wisdom.  I’ve been blessed and gifted and all I want to do with the rest of my life is share what I have been given.  Because I have been given much, I must give.





Freedom of Choice and the Consequences of Liberty

7 03 2011

We all stand on the principles, as Americans, that we are a free people and that we have our liberties; freedom of choice and liberty of will.  These are rights granted to us by our constitution.  We claim them as unalienable rights, granted to us by divine providence through the laws of Nature, Virtue and common Morality.  These are the principles of the Anglo Saxon pioneers who founded this land and established our first colonies and these are the principles our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington followed after in drafting the timeless and inspired documents of freedom and independence that we stand on to claim these freedoms from oppressive government rule locally and around the world.

When these freedoms are encroached upon by unrighteous governmental dominion we have the responsibility as citizens of this great republic to speak our minds and make our voices heard in the halls of education, administration and before the judges who stand in place to enforce our laws and interpret our constitutional rights and freedoms.  Our administrators and judges are not in place to exercise dominion over us or to enforce laws upon us without merit or justification.  And when we find ourselves being subjected to restrictions by our government officials based on the laws that they have enacted for the gain of power and control over the freedoms of the commonwealth of the people, we have a responsibility to be informed, to understand our laws, to understand our constitutional rights and to stand up and be heard so we as brothers and sisters do not fall to the tyranny of government oppression.

I find it troubling that too many people in this day and age complain about the ills of society, about what they see as not fair or what they claim as unconstitutional, or what new laws they claim should be enacted by congress and interpreted by the courts.  These are mostly based on precedents set by previous judgments by higher courts and powerful lawyers, bending our freedoms to the wills of lobbyists and powerful special interest groups who do not serve the interests of the commonwealth and only exist to increase their own wealth and fill their pockets by greed and by ruling industry and corporations, by raising taxes, by increasing costs and by controlling the supply of goods and services to the people.

I find it troubling that too many people, when they feel oppressed in any way look to the government for solutions to their societal struggles rather than looking within themselves for answers, to stand up in the face of tyranny and choose liberty and freedom of oppressive rule and excessive restriction to natural resources, jobs and the blessings of prosperity divinely granted over time as we have grown and prospered as a nation and throughout the world.

I find it troubling that too many people seek government rule as a means to an end of social problems when these problems have been created as a result of the people themselves exercising irresponsibly the constitutional rights granted them in our founding documents.

I find it troubling that rather than with reason and the acceptance of personal responsibility, too many people point their fingers in accusation against others and find fault in the actions of others rather than looking inward for solutions to the things that trouble them.

We are not responsible for the actions of our fellow citizens, but we are responsible for the actions of ourselves and we are responsible as citizens of this free republic to hold our fellow citizens accountable for the abuse of their freedoms and their irresponsible and selfish behavior when taking advantage of unnecessary government hand outs and misguided solutions to societal ills and social problems.

We are responsible to defend the freedoms and rights we are granted in the constitutions of our own states, our community charters, the rules enacted by our local administrative bodies and the freedoms granted by the constitution and bill of rights of this nation.

We are responsible to be familiar with the words of our constitutions; our state and national constitutions, our bills of rights, the laws enacted by our legislative bodies, the powers that our elected officials are exercising over us and the rules of the judges and the precedents set by them by their interpretation of the arguments of lawyers which in many cases are presented only to justify the poor decisions of their wealthy clients and to line their pockets with the money these greedy individual can afford to pay them.  To get away with their unethical acts by circumventing the rule of law based on precedents established by the twisting of words and misinterpretation of our freedoms and liberties stated in our founding documents.

Changes in our constitutional freedoms come about by the actions of the people and the special interests of those who have power given them by their status in society because of their wealth.  For no other reason than that they have the ability to reward those who will hear them because they can most quickly satisfy the greed of the bureaucrats and line their pockets with filthy lucre rather than provide and enforce our already established laws and defend our freedoms and liberties as a great commonwealth of a virtuous and moral people.

It is time for us to stand up and be informed.  It is time for us to stand up and be educated about the things that are happening in the halls of congress and the  legislative powers that we have elected, who are now enforcing greater laws, taxes and oppression on our heads in the name of correcting problems in a private society brought on by the greed of special interest groups such as the pharmaceutical companies, medical industry and insurance conglomerates.

It is time for us to stand up and solve these problems with private industry, with technology, with the bright minds of our educated youth and the coming together of people who have vision for our future and the survival of this great nation.  To never let the oppressive rule of government bureaucracies encumber our ability to thrive and progress as a nation, as a people, as families and as individuals in our pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.

It is time for us to come together and stand in defense of our constitution, to cast our votes responsibly and to elect individuals who have a correct understanding of morality, ethical standards and virtuous character.  To elect individuals who have their eyes and minds set on a course of healing, of progress and of constructive management of resources and who will enforce our laws as they have been established without unnecessarily enacting greater laws as some disingenuous solution to misunderstood or misinterpreted laws already passed or because of the uninformed and ignorant complaints of lazy people; to satisfy their own desires to retain the power of their offices and their status as government officials.

It is time for us to elect officials who will stand up for our freedoms to progress and to pursue life, liberty and happiness without oppressive taxation without representation, who will not encumber our progress with governmental bureaucracies established by the lust for power and for the creation of comfortable positions of status over our communities and our society.

It is time for us as a people to remind our officials that they have been elected by a commonwealth to be public servants and that they have not been elected so that they can sit in their positions of status as paid tyrants to enforce unjust restrictions over our freedoms of divinely granted will.

It is time for us to take back our states and take back our nation and take back our freedoms.  It is time for us to take back our communities.  It is time for us to take back our families from educators who grant themselves authority over our children by the mandates of the unions and the rhetoric and agendas of special interest groups who wish to control the minds of our youth to meet their ends.  To satisfy their greed and their lust for control because of their want to excuse themselves from ethical and moral behavior based on the tenets of virtue and moral character as written in our founding documents and stated by our founding fathers.

It is time for us to remind our educators and the authorities of education that we are the parents of these children and that we have given them the opportunity to educate our children and to teach them reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, history, art, music, athletics, debate and language arts and that we pay them by our taxes and that it is our right to determine the discipline and exercise of moral authority over our children and over our families.  It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children correct principles of morality, character and virtue within the walls of our homes and to never expect our educators to be the proponents of these divine principles.

We must demand that our educators refrain from imposing their personal views of moral conduct and passive restriction on the freedoms, wills and minds of our bright and noble children and stop destroying their wills to create and express and grow into the amazing individuals who are the future generations of leadership and who will guide this country on into the future. Our children should be taught to be standards of liberty and freedom throughout the world, to spread democracy to nations around the world.

It is time!

(some images used without artist’s permission)








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