Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.

Advertisements




Who Are You?

3 04 2014

The members of OFF! outside their studio, during a break in the making of their newest album. Left to right: singer Keith Morris, bassist Steven McDonald, drummer Mario Rubalcaba and guitarist Dimitri Coats.We are masters of ourselves.  We all know this, but how do we take control of what we already know and really master our emotions and physical bodies so we are truly healthy of mind, body and spirit?  That’s the key to just figuring out how to get started on the path to enlightenment.

I have a lot of answers because I’ve done a lot of things, tried a lot of things, put a lot of things into practice and I know what works and what does not.  One thing I can say is that I put my money where my mouth is and I don’t mess around when I go for it.  That doesn’t mean I have it all going correctly all the time, that’s impossible for anyone, it’s just not in the Plan of mankind.  But we can do our best and in this day and age we have more information and understanding about things and truth and the wisdom of those who came before us than ever before.

All I can do is give hints and clues to act as a guide because it is truly impossible to put into human terms and words what it is I’m even trying to say.

First, we were born a clean slate, a blank clean, innocent, know nothing, no assumptions, no expectations, no tendencies, only natural reflexes.  All babies have the same inborn natural reflexes and are all completely, 100% clean and innocent of anything, they are male or female and assuming for the sake of discussion there are no health issues, mutations or anomalies, that is the only difference, gender.

And there is a reason the gender was assigned during gestation and the body formed the way it did.  Because of the way genetic material lined up, connected; the way the program was told to work.  The DNA/RNA created the body exactly as its blueprint design was drawn up when sperm met egg.

So baby comes into the world, a blank, clean slate.  There is no predisposition to anything except for perhaps things it was influenced by through vibrations in the womb, its gestating environment and the food it was given during the 9 or so months.

Baby is given some tools when he comes to earth (I say ‘comes to earth’ because I believe we lived as spirits, children of God, before coming here to get a body).

The first is Free Will.  Everyone is born free, free to do anything, but their environment immediately begins molding and shaping their lives and telling them how things are, and they believe it, just like we all do.

The next is volition, the unconscious or subconscious thought process which is blank when they’re born because they haven’t had any of life’s experience yet.

Then there is their environment, and THAT is where everything comes from, comes AT them, begins immediately stimulating responses from the moment of birth, that little precious vessel of God just responds instinctively in any way he can to satisfy the demands of the stimulus that is being bulleted at him.

Nobody is born with a predisposition toward anything.  Habits, identity and all those things are developed as the child grows and experiences the things around them.  It is all environmental, 100% totally and completely from the moment that little zygote began responding to the stimulus in its environment in the womb.

We do have DNA genetic code and we do have triggers that unlock patterns that our ancestors before us have experienced and more often than not, that is what happens to a child.  They fall into that ‘natural’ environment and immediately begin conforming in every way and responding in every way the same way that their parents did and their parents’ parents did and so on and so forth.

Every newborn child is given the opportunity to break the cycle of dysfunction from their historically dysfunctional ancestry and make the world a better place.

Unfortunately they don’t know anything so babies become the representation of what we show them.  That’s what they do in their formative years.  That’s the only thing they can possibly do, mimic our behaviors and our actions.  Monkey see, monkey do.

So be awesome to your babies people! Expect nothing but give everything and you’ll raise the most amazing individual you have ever known!

But with this understanding we can also help ourselves become, once and for all, the people we’ve always dreamed of becoming.  If you can merely understand how simple this Plan really is and how it applies to  you as an individual, the limits are boundless.

And therein lies the key.  So how do you get the key to unlock the vault?

I’m still working on that and that’s why I keep typing.

Sometime in the year 2008 my then girlfriend was working for an advertising company who had a client by the name of Ruth Holmes.  Ruth had been diagnosed with cancer, among other things, and had discovered a new way to live; by changing the way she ate.  Because we are what we eat.  So she discovered the power of raw foods.

I don’t mean eating raw beef and uncooked potatoes, I mean eating what the earth provides for us to sustain us as the Human Family, the way it was intended from the beginning.  She cut out everything processed, and any food that came from any living being.

And she was blessed with an amazing gift to create an enormous menu of meals and dishes prepared all with raw, natural food items.

And this is what cured her cancer.  Yes, I said she cured her cancer.  A plant based diet is the way to begin to heal yourself, the way to begin to heal your body from the decay of what the propaganda menu has been feeding you for all these years.  The food pyramid…throw that thing out the freaking window.  USRDA, fugedaboudit.

It’s time to figure out how to save your own life.

I started eating this way to see what it would do for me.  I used to be able to set my calendar by my yearly bout with bronchitis.  But ever since I started eating this way, I haven’t had one single illness.  No colds, flus, sniffles, sinus anything, not even a headache.

I don’t adhere to this all the time, every day, but I try to as best as I can.  Sometimes I have to have a big fat apple fritter or get myself a nasty pastrami burger from Apollo Burgers.  And sometimes I eat regular people food for a few months but I stay away from a lot of red meat and dairy.

OK, enough of that because I could go on for days and perhaps I will in later postings.  If you have questions about the diet let me know and I’ll do my best to share with you how I did it.  It’s pretty simple but you have to know what you’re doing to get it right, and that’s why Ruth is such a Gem!  I love her like a long distant sister who is always there for me for whatever I need whenever I need anything.

So, back to this whole mind, body, spirit balance thing.  And that’s the key to peace right there; balance!

Balance of mind, body and spirit.  And that takes sometimes a lifetime to figure out.  Sometimes people get it a lot earlier in life but it took me almost 50 years to figure it out.

And because I have, I feel a responsibility to share what I know, and it’s difficult to share it all correctly because it came through so much life experience which happened so fast and so intensely that it would have killed an ordinary man.

Now, I’m not saying I’m extraordinary, but as I tell my story you’ll begin to see as I have only recently begun to see, that I’ve been given some gifts from my Father in Heaven for some special purpose that I’m still trying to figure out.  I have a pretty good idea and I know I’m definitely on the course, but He’s showing me the path and telling me what to do rather than telling it all to me so that I get to enjoy every experience as it happens.

Sounds pretty ordinary, doesn’t it?  Well, I just have to be a little more patient because things are about to become a lot more fun.

So when we are born, we are a blank canvas upon which this dastardly world will attempt to paint your portion of its horrific masterpiece on your soul.  And while we are infants and toddlers and up through about six to eight years of age we are merely sponges soaking in every single little bit of experience and responding instinctively to every little bit of stimulus we receive from our surrounding environment.

So let’s give that some thought and think again about those inherent tools with which we come to this earth.

Everything we receive from our surrounding environment is processed by our five senses while we are newborns.  Any added sense of intuition has not been developed yet because that comes after the development of cognition and understanding who we are in relation to our surroundings.

As we begin to receive even the first new experiences in this world, which come by the sudden trauma of birth, our Conscience, Subconscious and Souls begin to develop.

And for the sake of our discussion, I’ll define my understanding of what the Soul is.  We have our body and we have our spirit.  Our body is a vessel within which our spirit is able to experience this mortal sojourn on earth and through which we are given a ‘veil’ of forgetfulness about our preexisting state in Heaven.

We are here on earth to be taught, to be tested and to grow our faith, because what comes next is greater than we can even imagine, and our Father in Heaven just wants to be able to have us look back on our lives and be able to comprehend in the best way possible for us what it is that He already knows that we need, and that is what we agreed upon in the first place before even coming here.

So quit complaining about your lot in life and make the best of it!

And now, back to the definition of the Soul.  The soul is the body and the spirit united.  As we are now on this earth, we are individual souls of mankind.  When we die our souls will be separated for a time, but then that’s why Christ was resurrected, so that our souls could be made complete, whole and perfected to move on to our next state in this eternal journey that we can barely comprehend while we’re here in earth Kindergarten.

And key to understanding who you are is to truly understanding what our Conscience, Subconscious and our Souls are, how they work together and what we can do to master them. Because that is our ultimate goal; to be our own masters and become truly free.

And I will boldly say that any person who does not have a personal relationship with their Father in Heaven is not a whole person.

I know that’s a lighting rod statement, but I’m a human lightning rod so light me up if you have anything to add to the discussion!

And in saying that I’m in no way condemning anyone or saying that if you’re an atheist you can’t find peace or happiness.  What I am saying however, is that for some people, there is much more than what meets they eye. And those bits of more than meets they eye are received only after you figure out how to nurture a personal, one-on-one relationship with your Father in Heaven.

And that’s an individual thing, between you and Him and nobody else. So nobody else even has to understand it because it doesn’t matter how anyone else would interpret it because it’s yours to experience and understand the best way you understand. You only have to start by asking, and the rest he will take care of.  But you have to work for it.  I didn’t say he’d do it all for you, I just said he’d take care of it.  But you have to start by asking for it.

And when you finally get that relationship it’s like an infinite number of portals just opened for you to find whatever it is you want to discover.

And finding that is a whole different discussion, but it is a part of this, and it’s the pinnacle of peace, but this is not the time for it so I’m getting back on track again, until our next divergence.

We all understand what our Conscience is and most of us pretty much believe that the Subconscious is a non-cognitive, unrecognized by our conscious mind, program that interprets our experiences and tells us how to respond.

But where did our Conscience and our Subconscious come from if we were blank slates when we were born?

And this is where things get a little dicey and the blame can get thrown around.  But we’re not going down that road so let’s be grown ups and talk about how things really are and put aside our emotions while we get into this.

Everything we experience and everything we are told, the way we are taught by others by their actions and their examples, shows us how to respond to our stimulus as our free will begins to overcome our natural instincts from birth.

So in reality, we become a mishmash of the people with whom we associate from birth through those critical, early formative years up to about six to eight years old. That is pretty much our introduction to this world.  And everything we do after that depends on our understanding of the world during those first six to eight years.

 





Freedom of Choice and the Consequences of Liberty

7 03 2011

We all stand on the principles, as Americans, that we are a free people and that we have our liberties; freedom of choice and liberty of will.  These are rights granted to us by our constitution.  We claim them as unalienable rights, granted to us by divine providence through the laws of Nature, Virtue and common Morality.  These are the principles of the Anglo Saxon pioneers who founded this land and established our first colonies and these are the principles our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington followed after in drafting the timeless and inspired documents of freedom and independence that we stand on to claim these freedoms from oppressive government rule locally and around the world.

When these freedoms are encroached upon by unrighteous governmental dominion we have the responsibility as citizens of this great republic to speak our minds and make our voices heard in the halls of education, administration and before the judges who stand in place to enforce our laws and interpret our constitutional rights and freedoms.  Our administrators and judges are not in place to exercise dominion over us or to enforce laws upon us without merit or justification.  And when we find ourselves being subjected to restrictions by our government officials based on the laws that they have enacted for the gain of power and control over the freedoms of the commonwealth of the people, we have a responsibility to be informed, to understand our laws, to understand our constitutional rights and to stand up and be heard so we as brothers and sisters do not fall to the tyranny of government oppression.

I find it troubling that too many people in this day and age complain about the ills of society, about what they see as not fair or what they claim as unconstitutional, or what new laws they claim should be enacted by congress and interpreted by the courts.  These are mostly based on precedents set by previous judgments by higher courts and powerful lawyers, bending our freedoms to the wills of lobbyists and powerful special interest groups who do not serve the interests of the commonwealth and only exist to increase their own wealth and fill their pockets by greed and by ruling industry and corporations, by raising taxes, by increasing costs and by controlling the supply of goods and services to the people.

I find it troubling that too many people, when they feel oppressed in any way look to the government for solutions to their societal struggles rather than looking within themselves for answers, to stand up in the face of tyranny and choose liberty and freedom of oppressive rule and excessive restriction to natural resources, jobs and the blessings of prosperity divinely granted over time as we have grown and prospered as a nation and throughout the world.

I find it troubling that too many people seek government rule as a means to an end of social problems when these problems have been created as a result of the people themselves exercising irresponsibly the constitutional rights granted them in our founding documents.

I find it troubling that rather than with reason and the acceptance of personal responsibility, too many people point their fingers in accusation against others and find fault in the actions of others rather than looking inward for solutions to the things that trouble them.

We are not responsible for the actions of our fellow citizens, but we are responsible for the actions of ourselves and we are responsible as citizens of this free republic to hold our fellow citizens accountable for the abuse of their freedoms and their irresponsible and selfish behavior when taking advantage of unnecessary government hand outs and misguided solutions to societal ills and social problems.

We are responsible to defend the freedoms and rights we are granted in the constitutions of our own states, our community charters, the rules enacted by our local administrative bodies and the freedoms granted by the constitution and bill of rights of this nation.

We are responsible to be familiar with the words of our constitutions; our state and national constitutions, our bills of rights, the laws enacted by our legislative bodies, the powers that our elected officials are exercising over us and the rules of the judges and the precedents set by them by their interpretation of the arguments of lawyers which in many cases are presented only to justify the poor decisions of their wealthy clients and to line their pockets with the money these greedy individual can afford to pay them.  To get away with their unethical acts by circumventing the rule of law based on precedents established by the twisting of words and misinterpretation of our freedoms and liberties stated in our founding documents.

Changes in our constitutional freedoms come about by the actions of the people and the special interests of those who have power given them by their status in society because of their wealth.  For no other reason than that they have the ability to reward those who will hear them because they can most quickly satisfy the greed of the bureaucrats and line their pockets with filthy lucre rather than provide and enforce our already established laws and defend our freedoms and liberties as a great commonwealth of a virtuous and moral people.

It is time for us to stand up and be informed.  It is time for us to stand up and be educated about the things that are happening in the halls of congress and the  legislative powers that we have elected, who are now enforcing greater laws, taxes and oppression on our heads in the name of correcting problems in a private society brought on by the greed of special interest groups such as the pharmaceutical companies, medical industry and insurance conglomerates.

It is time for us to stand up and solve these problems with private industry, with technology, with the bright minds of our educated youth and the coming together of people who have vision for our future and the survival of this great nation.  To never let the oppressive rule of government bureaucracies encumber our ability to thrive and progress as a nation, as a people, as families and as individuals in our pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.

It is time for us to come together and stand in defense of our constitution, to cast our votes responsibly and to elect individuals who have a correct understanding of morality, ethical standards and virtuous character.  To elect individuals who have their eyes and minds set on a course of healing, of progress and of constructive management of resources and who will enforce our laws as they have been established without unnecessarily enacting greater laws as some disingenuous solution to misunderstood or misinterpreted laws already passed or because of the uninformed and ignorant complaints of lazy people; to satisfy their own desires to retain the power of their offices and their status as government officials.

It is time for us to elect officials who will stand up for our freedoms to progress and to pursue life, liberty and happiness without oppressive taxation without representation, who will not encumber our progress with governmental bureaucracies established by the lust for power and for the creation of comfortable positions of status over our communities and our society.

It is time for us as a people to remind our officials that they have been elected by a commonwealth to be public servants and that they have not been elected so that they can sit in their positions of status as paid tyrants to enforce unjust restrictions over our freedoms of divinely granted will.

It is time for us to take back our states and take back our nation and take back our freedoms.  It is time for us to take back our communities.  It is time for us to take back our families from educators who grant themselves authority over our children by the mandates of the unions and the rhetoric and agendas of special interest groups who wish to control the minds of our youth to meet their ends.  To satisfy their greed and their lust for control because of their want to excuse themselves from ethical and moral behavior based on the tenets of virtue and moral character as written in our founding documents and stated by our founding fathers.

It is time for us to remind our educators and the authorities of education that we are the parents of these children and that we have given them the opportunity to educate our children and to teach them reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, history, art, music, athletics, debate and language arts and that we pay them by our taxes and that it is our right to determine the discipline and exercise of moral authority over our children and over our families.  It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children correct principles of morality, character and virtue within the walls of our homes and to never expect our educators to be the proponents of these divine principles.

We must demand that our educators refrain from imposing their personal views of moral conduct and passive restriction on the freedoms, wills and minds of our bright and noble children and stop destroying their wills to create and express and grow into the amazing individuals who are the future generations of leadership and who will guide this country on into the future. Our children should be taught to be standards of liberty and freedom throughout the world, to spread democracy to nations around the world.

It is time!

(some images used without artist’s permission)





The temperature is relative!

28 01 2011

I remember when I came home from south America after being there for just under a year and a half.  I spent some time in the country of Paraguay and visited western Brazil a little bit.  It was a tropical rain forest, humid, hot, extremely muggy and the weather was oppressive to say the least.  But all that weather created some of the most natural beauty the mind can possibly imagine and gave me an opportunity to partake in an experience few will ever understand.

The interesting thing is that I come from a place in the United States that contains the last natural rain forest in the country, the Pacific Northwest and found myself in another one of the few rain forest regions in of the world.  In south America the rain forests are tropical and full of exotic life.  I witnessed flocks of parrots flying in nature, monkeys running through the trees in the city with orange, grapefruit and banana trees growing wild all around us.

But what I’m getting at here is the temperature.  Not to mention the humidity!  When it got to be above 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and often times it climbed above 110 degrees, there was no escaping the sweltering heat.  I literally felt like we were living in a sauna and we just got used to it.  Our bodies acclimated to the conditions and while they weren’t comfortable, they were survivable and we made the best of our surroundings.  There was no central air or even decent air flow; and the places we lived were made from brick which literally acted like ovens, trapping the heat in the summer time and cooking us while we remained indoors.

But still, being indoors was nothing compared to being in that direct sunlight outside where our exposed skin would immediately feel like we were being placed in a convection oven for baking.  And not more than thirty seconds after that the sweat would begin to pour.  Our bodies would react immediately to the environment and rivers of sweat would begin pouring down our arms, running down our hands like the blood veins you can see in thinner peoples’ skin and drip to the ground off of our fingertips.  This would be a daily experience, and the reason we drank gallons of fluids.

When I returned home from this red and green hotbox of clay and trees it was springtime in the Northwest and the temperatures were around 68 degrees.  Everyone in the town was thrilled with the sun being out and the rising temperatures and broke out the shorts and t-shirts to enjoy the improving weather.

When I got there I found myself needing a jacket and long sleeves.  That’s the thing I found funny.  Nobody could understand how I could be feeling cold, but my core was so used to that oven that I felt as if I were now in a refrigerated environment. It took me a little while to get used to it but I eventually did, although I could never get used to the  dismal rain of the Northwest, the green is lovely.

What made me think of this today is that I am sitting in the local library on the WiFi and it’s a little warm in here.  It’s the middle of winter and we’ve been having some big snow storms and bitter cold.  It’s been below 20 degrees quite often in the last month or so.  I took a break to walk outside without my jacket, into the 40  degree temperature and found it to be refreshing and quite pleasant.  I thought for a moment about moving my workstation outside to enjoy the fresh air and beautiful weather.  Then I remembered that it’s all relative!

Enjoy your environment, it’s all beautiful!





This guy’s take on ‘bury the hatchet’

12 01 2011

I was thinking about making peace the other day with someone for whom I have created a bit of anxiety over the years; justified for the most part, but not cool and not necessary at all. In light of everything that’s gone on in my life over the past twelve months, and this amazing change of heart I’ve been experiencing (when it starts you think you’ve changed, but it keeps getting more profound), I decided to extend the olive branch or, in words I like better, bury the hatchet.

Then I started thinking about the phrase and where it originated. Obviously it has roots in Native American lore. So I did a little research and found some anecdotal evidence that some time prior to the arrival of Columbus, the Iroquois leaders Deganawidah and Hiawatha had convinced the five major tribes to stop fighting and form a confederacy, and as a sign of peace or a treaty of peace, to bury their weapons of war beneath the roots of a white pine. This tradition was carried on through history with tribes and with settlers from the east and the phrase ‘bury the hatchet’ that we use today eventually sprang from this demonstration of peace for settling disputes and conflict.

And I thought about it a little more. Just because this is one of history’s earliest recorded events of burying the hatchet it certainly wasn’t the first. Then it dawned on me that burying the hatchet is a peace keeping maneuver I’ve been taught about all my life through the scriptures in my church.

Yeah, I’m a Mormon. Throw out the word Mormon and you get all sorts of responses. The name itself evokes a myriad of images in the mind depending on your exposure to Mormonism or what you’ve heard. Ideas of polygamy, secret ceremonies, no coffee, no alcohol, for some it means family, charity, doing unto others. To me Mormonism is a culture. It’s more than a religion. It’s a way of life. But it’s far from a kooky cult or some brainwashing society of patriarchal overlords. And the Mormons have the Book of Mormon.

Now, this blog post isn’t going to be an exposition on the origins of the Book of Mormon or why I believe it is a companion to the Bible and another testament of Jesus Christ (had to get that in there), I just want to refer to a section of the book where we can read about our Native American ancestors first burying the hatchet as a covenant of peacekeeping. I said I wouldn’t give an exposition on the history or origins of the Book of Mormon but it’s important in this context to at least understand the setting I’m about to discuss, so I’ll give a very brief synopsis of the contextual setting of the Book of Mormon story.

About 600 years BC a group of Israelites, around the time of the destruction of Jerusalem during the 8th or 9th year of the reign of king Zedekiah (Old Testament book of Jeremiah 37-39), fled Jerusalem and built boats that sailed to the western hemisphere. They took with them ancient records of scripture, the books of Moses, writings of Isaiah, Jeremiah and other ancient, Old Testament prophets up to that time written on plates of brass. During their travails they experienced many things, prosperity, divisions, wars, etc. and they kept records. These records were kept and handed down from the beginning by those who had left Jerusalem and guarded as sacred, recording the dealings of God with men and the patterns of righteousness and sin so that they could come forth in the latter days to demonstrate God’s goodness and mercy in preserving his people and showing his arm is outstretched all the daylong to any of His children who desire to come unto him.

So, without going into all the detail and getting into the history of Mormonism and the idea that God didn’t just reveal Himself to the people of Jerusalem and that Christ taught that there are other sheep which were not of the fold at Jerusalem, I’ll just leave it at that. The Book of Mormon is an ancient record of scripture about the dealings of the family of men on the western hemisphere during the same time the bible was being recorded in the so called old world.

So there’s this people in the Book of Mormon, a tribe who has been uber rebellious and has committed heinous crimes and murders on the more righteous people of the land, and by the teachings of the judges and prophets in the lands round about these areas they come to the knowledge of God and find common ground with their enemies. When this happens they have incredible remorse for their murders and for all the bloodshed and destruction they have brought upon the people of the land. So they decide to make a covenant of peace with God and with the people and bury their weapons of war; or as they are referred to in the Book of Mormon account, ‘their weapons of rebellion’.

So this tribe buries their weapons deep in the ground to show that they no longer desire to shed blood and they covenant that they will never again take up arms against their brothers. And when the enemy comes upon them to fight they bow down before them in prayer to God while the enemy fell upon them and began to destroy them. At first their enemies thought they were bowing down in submission for fear but soon realized that they were giving praises to God and freely giving their lives rather than to fight and destroy. They wouldn’t take up their arms in their defense because of the horrendous atrocities and bloodshed they had committed previously. And some were slaughtered, but this demonstration of humility softened the hearts of their enemies so that they stopped destroying them as they saw that these people would not rise up in battle.

And in perspective, as the lesson of the story teaches us, those who were lost by giving up their lives were received into the presence of God and saved by their repentance, by their sacrifice to not commit any more destruction and bloodshed and by their demonstration of peace and change of heart. This seems quite extreme but in retrospect it is a priceless lesson we can learn from; the sacrifice of these dedicated people who had a clear understanding of the purpose of life, that there is so much more beyond what we can see in this mortal coil. This people did not only sacrifice their lives for their own salvation, but their demonstration carries endlessly forward to those of us who have the perspective to learn from their great sacrifice to be grateful to God for His mercies, for the gift we have of being able to truly change and be made clean after being some of the vilest of sinners.

So to me bury the hatchet doesn’t just mean to put our differences behind us, it means to put our differences behind us and to move forward with a commitment or covenant of peacekeeping. To never again take up arms, whether they are physical arms, mere words, thoughts or intentions against our brothers and work every day to create peace and harmony through compassionate service. Compassionate service, meaning to serve without regard for reward, to do it for the good of those we are serving and for no other reason, to uplift our brothers and to make the world a better place.

Of course it is extreme to think that we shouldn’t defend our lives in the face of certain destruction, but these stories serve as lessons, taken in context as they are told, to our lives that we can incorporate into who we are and who we wish to become. Once we have committed certain atrocities and have found true change of heart and forgiveness, it is critical that we don’t go back in any way, shape or form to that old behavior. To bury the hatchet means to put our old lives away, to bury them in the ground and to take upon ourselves newness, a new life, to be born again and become beings of light and goodness.

That sounds like new age, fruit pie, mumbo-jumbo especially in this day and age of the hustle and bustle of me-me-me, gimme-gimme-gimme, now-now-now, but it’s what I really believe. And it all starts with Christ, who is love and salvation, and creation, re-creation into newness of life, healing, being reborn into something great, to achieve our full potential as children of God. There are too many misunderstandings about who Christ is and what He expects of us, too much fear, too much of the fire and brimstone and not enough of the compassion and love of what He truly is and what He wants for us, and why He created this whole mortal plan for us. But once we begin to understand real, pure truth, the essence of what is real; we begin to understand who we really are and what purpose we serve in this world; that we are all one in Him and that to be healed and to be whole is to be in harmony with what science calls ‘The Field’ and what spiritualists call the powers of the universe and what I call God, my Father in Heaven, and what He calls the family of man.

There is much we don’t understand, because it’s not time for us to get it all, but it’s time for us to search. And if we search we will find, and as we begin to understand and incorporate that knowledge into our beings, into who we are, to help the world move forward into greater consciousness, greater things will be unfolded to our minds until we can comprehend all things.

Knowledge may be power, but raw power can be destructive. It matters what we do with that knowledge, how we harness it and how we transfer it into constructive creation of life and healing for progress toward the good of all mankind, never to control and subject others to our will. As we keep our minds set on things greater than ourselves, we are able to act as conduits for others in achieving greatness within themselves.

We will make mistakes. Others will make mistakes. But if we can bury the hatchet then we can love one another, and that’s when we start living.





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





A year in review prologue

27 12 2007

1.12.11 – Three years later I see this post and realize that it was just the beginning of a long road of challenge and change that would smooth me into the being I am today

What a year this has been. I’ll wrap it up in a mighty long future blog post, but I want to start with a preface of sorts. This year started with me being broke and unsettled (not quite homeless), not knowing what would happen from day to day and wondering if life was even worth living. The only thing I had to live for was my children. I felt like I was free falling, thrashing around, trying to grab on to anything I could to calm the madness in my head. On the outside I appeared relatively OK but on the inside there was a storm raging. Only my closest friends had any idea of what what going on.

I used to be angry. Now I’m happy. 2007 is the year that it all changed for me. For the first time in my life I have been able to embrace lasting success and happiness without the self defeating sabotage I usually thrust upon myself.

In a nutshell, divorce ****ed me up. It was a mental game of 52 card pickup. Everything in my life was tossed in the air and scattered. It was up to me to put things back together in the right order. I haven’t done things quite right but I have my sights set on what’s right.

I’m not living the most ideal life according to my ancestral expectations and values but to compare where I came from to where I am now, and where I am headed I see an exciting and wonderful life ahead. There are some circumstances in my life that are beyond my control and that are sort of keeping me in a holding pattern but I am happy to be here, holding on tight and enjoying the love of life I get with a woman who allows me to be the best me I can be. Good god this is sappy shit, but this is what I’ve become. I’m happy and in love and I expect 2008 to be a breakout year.








%d bloggers like this: