Love and Pain are One in the Same

28 03 2016

[photo by vaughn brown – model Cydney Young]

575813_527037100669051_2081773692_nLove is a two way street. It flows and it ebbs. It gives and receives.

Love does not take.

Anger takes and anger abuses the loving places withing our heart spaces where love once lived, from where love was given.

If love is not given back to fill empty love places within our empty heart spaces our hearts break and make sad faces.

Do not take love unless you have love to give.

Only receive love if you want love to help your life live.

Then plant that love in your heart to let it grow, then let your heart flow unto another space within loving heart’s grace.

So that beauty may abound with all hearts around in a loving place to give loving grace in the heart space where love once lived and was given to another to fulfill a dream and uplift a spirit to dream and cast away fate and find unimaginable joy with another’s love, to be entangled in a beautiful tapestry of colorful, creative joy and compassionate kindness to help us find wisdom and beauty around to abound in a rainbow like dream where our thoughts can unwind and our cares fall away like the cocoon of a new growing butterfly’s wing.

To take flight through the grace of a loving Creator’s stroke of a colorful brush of life to breathe and to grow to flow and to know and to be and to see and to give back and never attack but defend to the end without hesitation or trepidation encumbering ways for selfishness pays a recompense that cannot be accounted for when the heart is given away and broken down forgotten about for a short time of thoughtless pacification and selfish abandon of the fortress you used and abused to take flight in the night when you were scared and unprepared to survive or to thrive through the battle of another love-storm where you were forlorn to take from the heart of a man who would live and give and give back and not attack or demand but sit empty and destitute when the war was over because you got yours and were protected by him given dreams fulfilled in the fantasies of your mind to use his loving grace and compassionate face to hold up and show up then throw away when he was a man with empty heart spaces having given but never received because he was never fulfilled or refilled after giving his love and his life to fill your empty spaces you tossed him away like a horse out to pasture with laughter and sought after another to fill your empty heart space because you took his and did not use it wisely and killed his heart like a murdering Jezebel or thief in the night taking what you saw that could get you by for another day with no regard for the hurt you left behind and the anguish and pain you filled a loving man’s heart spaces to fall away and have nothing more to give or receive.

But he did not die because his loving Savior replaced the false ugly waste you filled in the place of his empty heart space.

You killed me and left me for dead because my heart was hurt but I gave it to you to refill the empty spaces taken from the abuse of the man before me and you killed my heart and took my children and trashed my name when all I ever did was work hard and fill the empty spaces in your heart.

But you got filled up and fulfilled and then you saw chinks in my armor that were put there, battling for you, battle scars to save you from a monster who abused you and I only loved you and gave my life to you and when I was battle weary you cast me away like an old worn out shoe or a battle scarred coat of armor that once shined to protect your gentle and loving heart.

I gave my strength to you to use to rebuild your esteem and when you sprouted up, back into life, you cast me away like an old broken down tool and took our children and played out a new narrative to pacify your mind after having destroyed my esteem after I gave you my all and all of my love to you without asking anything in return.

And I self medicated so that I could be strong for you but you did not want to understand why or give a thought about how I could do that to give my heart space out of compassionate grace to an angel in need a beautiful princess whose beauty I found unimaginable and so I gave my heart to it because she was in need such beauty to see and to love and to receive and give back in return for she was the passion I desired in love and it came without bounds and filled my empty heart spaces when I was broken down and hurting and trying to fill my heart spaces with something good and her beautify and love fit me like a glove in those spaces so nice and made me feel like a prince.

Alive once again to take flight on the wings of a dove to get my life back and attack all that had gotten me down until I almost drowned in my own iniquity and sorrow having lost at loves battle from a woman who promised for eternity to be honest but did not fulfill the bill and used her free will to kill my heart and ill my life to take from me my livelihood grace and demand more from the courts like a whore where she wrote laws and forced law and like cat paws on my skin to cut within and give pain and drain me from my resources so that she could fill her empty heart places with things she did not understand or try to comprehend until the end as she covenanted with me and the angels on high through God’s grace pacify my wounds she would not but took from me like a hook in fishes mouth to lead and bleed from all that I needed to keep her pacified until I die she will always deny the truth she abused from a loving man’s heart that she killed with a knife like a thief in the night.

I gave what they demanded of me to pacify their needs to fulfill their heart’s dreams not asking for anything in return, nor expecting anything to be paid back but all I got was abuse from the lack of love to be given to fill my heart’s empty spaces after letting them lean on me and fill their empty heart spaces with my love to combine and move forward in time without me, to be free, cast away like a flea, to never be remembered or given honor in heaven, just to be used and abused to be amused in life without strife not a wife or a husband to be loved with the beauty above but ugliness on the ground all around to expound upon his giving grave when you tossed it all back in his face to make haste with a race you could not keep up nor sleep up in time with a fellow not mellow whose beauty unkind not like mine to use and abuse throughout time.

But I will not forget the morning sunrise to recollect and ponder upon a perception you asked how could a love last as it was given to you to fill your empty heart’s place like a puzzle from grace from the space that we made and had when we were glad about life without strife coming down to abound all around our hearts measure to never deliver the deceiver within with a pen to take down to the end and give back in attack when your heart’s Cadillac could not track the traces upon faces you left ingratiated.

There are times in my mind when I find so unkind the love of a Jezebel who put me through hell to dwell upon cases out of court without braces.  To pacify a need in time with mine taken from my heart spaces, the children we love, who fit us like a glove to love and give love but you used it to attack like cat scratch on a mat that left me to bleed and supersede the throng that went on and on in my mind throughout time never again to be born or forlorn from a heart’s loving grace to make emptiness space.

And if it were not for the grace of a loving son’s face, my savior he saved me from societies game.

The love and compassion from my greatest brother from above, the great I am, yes indeed  Sam I am, with green eggs and ham.  He pacified my lonely heart’s break never again to undertake a carpenter’s will without bill or some skill to be used and abused without will to fulfill until the last day when we all pray for blessing above to help us to recover enough to be strong and unwind without bounds to be around and not frown but remember the loving uncovering endeavor you took to make space without grace in his face.

And it’s time to unwind from your  mind second time to give rest to all recompense to get love when lost love was taken to trash that you trashed for your won battle axe

And now it is time to unwind and dine upon feast without grief like the thief she gave relief from a good loving man whose hand was bound to the ground for monetary’s sake must we break bread to undertake the pain of love lost for a scorn.

And now you are confused because you abused without muse or pacification all around like a clown showing off with a frown to be sad and not glad.  To under achieve for a need for your greed to succeed to be trained and left out to hang out and be without but not without love from above to help a man who has a plan but you demand an agenda from on high that abides like a mouse in his sleep to keep me from knowing, not growing and lonely forlorning like a glove from a dove this amount does not count and again you are confused by rules that you enforce with divorce.

Rights taken but not given will live on in Heaven where love will abound without you like a clown in need, yes indeed my pretty princess subside.

But if you will with your skill try to fill my bill with a thrill I will allow you to explain with the pain that remains because Christ has come over me from Christi to Erica Gandy and I am allowed to be proud and not let my mouth give a frown.  To be undone to undermine is not the cause because love was given then driven into the ground without women.

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Stay High

14 02 2016

mc5I wrote “stay high” in one of my stoner girlfriends’ yearbooks in my Jr. year of high school. And she left her yearbook behind in class one day and the teacher opened it and started reading the comments.  So dude called my parents and said we needed to do a drug intervention with me, just because I told her to stay high.

I didn’t do drugs like those chicks.  They were way more mature and older than me.  I started school a year earlier than I should have so I was always with older kids in the same class and I witnessed things earlier than I should have.

They would come to school on Monday, after the weekend talking about taking LSD and Cocaine and having sex with their older boyfriends.  I just listened and let it roll off my back because I knew I was way too young for that business.  But they liked me a lot so they would travail me with these stories of slutty-hood and debauchery.

So I knew they liked to party and they were my friends in school so I wrote, “stay high” in her yearbook and the adults all freaked out on me.  And her too, but she laughed it off because her parents allowed her these luxuries.

But not mine, and not that I would have wanted to do that stuff at such a young age, I wouldn’t have.  They would tell me that I needed to take LSD with them and then they would “take advantage” of me in the bedroom.

Sounds about what every high school boy dreams of, it actually happened to me but I just put it out of my mind because I knew I was going on a mission for Jesus Christ when I was 19 and I had to remain pure as I could.  But I smoked a lot of weed, and drank alcohol and made out with a lot of chicks…I just never went all the way like those crazy chicas wanted me too.

And after the discovery of “stay high” in the yearbook, I was grounded for two months by my parents.  Man, that sucked.  I got grounded a lot, and for long times too because I did some stuff I should not have done, but it was never as severe as my parents imagined, and during lecture time I never said anything, just listened to them tell me what kind of trouble I was getting into for coming home smelling like smoke.

Man, I must have driven my parents nuts in my latter high school years.  They have no idea I was merely the celibate stoner.  I just liked my brain escape from the harshness of home, but I wasn’t out womanizing or anything like my other buddies were.





Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.





Who Are You?

3 04 2014

The members of OFF! outside their studio, during a break in the making of their newest album. Left to right: singer Keith Morris, bassist Steven McDonald, drummer Mario Rubalcaba and guitarist Dimitri Coats.We are masters of ourselves.  We all know this, but how do we take control of what we already know and really master our emotions and physical bodies so we are truly healthy of mind, body and spirit?  That’s the key to just figuring out how to get started on the path to enlightenment.

I have a lot of answers because I’ve done a lot of things, tried a lot of things, put a lot of things into practice and I know what works and what does not.  One thing I can say is that I put my money where my mouth is and I don’t mess around when I go for it.  That doesn’t mean I have it all going correctly all the time, that’s impossible for anyone, it’s just not in the Plan of mankind.  But we can do our best and in this day and age we have more information and understanding about things and truth and the wisdom of those who came before us than ever before.

All I can do is give hints and clues to act as a guide because it is truly impossible to put into human terms and words what it is I’m even trying to say.

First, we were born a clean slate, a blank clean, innocent, know nothing, no assumptions, no expectations, no tendencies, only natural reflexes.  All babies have the same inborn natural reflexes and are all completely, 100% clean and innocent of anything, they are male or female and assuming for the sake of discussion there are no health issues, mutations or anomalies, that is the only difference, gender.

And there is a reason the gender was assigned during gestation and the body formed the way it did.  Because of the way genetic material lined up, connected; the way the program was told to work.  The DNA/RNA created the body exactly as its blueprint design was drawn up when sperm met egg.

So baby comes into the world, a blank, clean slate.  There is no predisposition to anything except for perhaps things it was influenced by through vibrations in the womb, its gestating environment and the food it was given during the 9 or so months.

Baby is given some tools when he comes to earth (I say ‘comes to earth’ because I believe we lived as spirits, children of God, before coming here to get a body).

The first is Free Will.  Everyone is born free, free to do anything, but their environment immediately begins molding and shaping their lives and telling them how things are, and they believe it, just like we all do.

The next is volition, the unconscious or subconscious thought process which is blank when they’re born because they haven’t had any of life’s experience yet.

Then there is their environment, and THAT is where everything comes from, comes AT them, begins immediately stimulating responses from the moment of birth, that little precious vessel of God just responds instinctively in any way he can to satisfy the demands of the stimulus that is being bulleted at him.

Nobody is born with a predisposition toward anything.  Habits, identity and all those things are developed as the child grows and experiences the things around them.  It is all environmental, 100% totally and completely from the moment that little zygote began responding to the stimulus in its environment in the womb.

We do have DNA genetic code and we do have triggers that unlock patterns that our ancestors before us have experienced and more often than not, that is what happens to a child.  They fall into that ‘natural’ environment and immediately begin conforming in every way and responding in every way the same way that their parents did and their parents’ parents did and so on and so forth.

Every newborn child is given the opportunity to break the cycle of dysfunction from their historically dysfunctional ancestry and make the world a better place.

Unfortunately they don’t know anything so babies become the representation of what we show them.  That’s what they do in their formative years.  That’s the only thing they can possibly do, mimic our behaviors and our actions.  Monkey see, monkey do.

So be awesome to your babies people! Expect nothing but give everything and you’ll raise the most amazing individual you have ever known!

But with this understanding we can also help ourselves become, once and for all, the people we’ve always dreamed of becoming.  If you can merely understand how simple this Plan really is and how it applies to  you as an individual, the limits are boundless.

And therein lies the key.  So how do you get the key to unlock the vault?

I’m still working on that and that’s why I keep typing.

Sometime in the year 2008 my then girlfriend was working for an advertising company who had a client by the name of Ruth Holmes.  Ruth had been diagnosed with cancer, among other things, and had discovered a new way to live; by changing the way she ate.  Because we are what we eat.  So she discovered the power of raw foods.

I don’t mean eating raw beef and uncooked potatoes, I mean eating what the earth provides for us to sustain us as the Human Family, the way it was intended from the beginning.  She cut out everything processed, and any food that came from any living being.

And she was blessed with an amazing gift to create an enormous menu of meals and dishes prepared all with raw, natural food items.

And this is what cured her cancer.  Yes, I said she cured her cancer.  A plant based diet is the way to begin to heal yourself, the way to begin to heal your body from the decay of what the propaganda menu has been feeding you for all these years.  The food pyramid…throw that thing out the freaking window.  USRDA, fugedaboudit.

It’s time to figure out how to save your own life.

I started eating this way to see what it would do for me.  I used to be able to set my calendar by my yearly bout with bronchitis.  But ever since I started eating this way, I haven’t had one single illness.  No colds, flus, sniffles, sinus anything, not even a headache.

I don’t adhere to this all the time, every day, but I try to as best as I can.  Sometimes I have to have a big fat apple fritter or get myself a nasty pastrami burger from Apollo Burgers.  And sometimes I eat regular people food for a few months but I stay away from a lot of red meat and dairy.

OK, enough of that because I could go on for days and perhaps I will in later postings.  If you have questions about the diet let me know and I’ll do my best to share with you how I did it.  It’s pretty simple but you have to know what you’re doing to get it right, and that’s why Ruth is such a Gem!  I love her like a long distant sister who is always there for me for whatever I need whenever I need anything.

So, back to this whole mind, body, spirit balance thing.  And that’s the key to peace right there; balance!

Balance of mind, body and spirit.  And that takes sometimes a lifetime to figure out.  Sometimes people get it a lot earlier in life but it took me almost 50 years to figure it out.

And because I have, I feel a responsibility to share what I know, and it’s difficult to share it all correctly because it came through so much life experience which happened so fast and so intensely that it would have killed an ordinary man.

Now, I’m not saying I’m extraordinary, but as I tell my story you’ll begin to see as I have only recently begun to see, that I’ve been given some gifts from my Father in Heaven for some special purpose that I’m still trying to figure out.  I have a pretty good idea and I know I’m definitely on the course, but He’s showing me the path and telling me what to do rather than telling it all to me so that I get to enjoy every experience as it happens.

Sounds pretty ordinary, doesn’t it?  Well, I just have to be a little more patient because things are about to become a lot more fun.

So when we are born, we are a blank canvas upon which this dastardly world will attempt to paint your portion of its horrific masterpiece on your soul.  And while we are infants and toddlers and up through about six to eight years of age we are merely sponges soaking in every single little bit of experience and responding instinctively to every little bit of stimulus we receive from our surrounding environment.

So let’s give that some thought and think again about those inherent tools with which we come to this earth.

Everything we receive from our surrounding environment is processed by our five senses while we are newborns.  Any added sense of intuition has not been developed yet because that comes after the development of cognition and understanding who we are in relation to our surroundings.

As we begin to receive even the first new experiences in this world, which come by the sudden trauma of birth, our Conscience, Subconscious and Souls begin to develop.

And for the sake of our discussion, I’ll define my understanding of what the Soul is.  We have our body and we have our spirit.  Our body is a vessel within which our spirit is able to experience this mortal sojourn on earth and through which we are given a ‘veil’ of forgetfulness about our preexisting state in Heaven.

We are here on earth to be taught, to be tested and to grow our faith, because what comes next is greater than we can even imagine, and our Father in Heaven just wants to be able to have us look back on our lives and be able to comprehend in the best way possible for us what it is that He already knows that we need, and that is what we agreed upon in the first place before even coming here.

So quit complaining about your lot in life and make the best of it!

And now, back to the definition of the Soul.  The soul is the body and the spirit united.  As we are now on this earth, we are individual souls of mankind.  When we die our souls will be separated for a time, but then that’s why Christ was resurrected, so that our souls could be made complete, whole and perfected to move on to our next state in this eternal journey that we can barely comprehend while we’re here in earth Kindergarten.

And key to understanding who you are is to truly understanding what our Conscience, Subconscious and our Souls are, how they work together and what we can do to master them. Because that is our ultimate goal; to be our own masters and become truly free.

And I will boldly say that any person who does not have a personal relationship with their Father in Heaven is not a whole person.

I know that’s a lighting rod statement, but I’m a human lightning rod so light me up if you have anything to add to the discussion!

And in saying that I’m in no way condemning anyone or saying that if you’re an atheist you can’t find peace or happiness.  What I am saying however, is that for some people, there is much more than what meets they eye. And those bits of more than meets they eye are received only after you figure out how to nurture a personal, one-on-one relationship with your Father in Heaven.

And that’s an individual thing, between you and Him and nobody else. So nobody else even has to understand it because it doesn’t matter how anyone else would interpret it because it’s yours to experience and understand the best way you understand. You only have to start by asking, and the rest he will take care of.  But you have to work for it.  I didn’t say he’d do it all for you, I just said he’d take care of it.  But you have to start by asking for it.

And when you finally get that relationship it’s like an infinite number of portals just opened for you to find whatever it is you want to discover.

And finding that is a whole different discussion, but it is a part of this, and it’s the pinnacle of peace, but this is not the time for it so I’m getting back on track again, until our next divergence.

We all understand what our Conscience is and most of us pretty much believe that the Subconscious is a non-cognitive, unrecognized by our conscious mind, program that interprets our experiences and tells us how to respond.

But where did our Conscience and our Subconscious come from if we were blank slates when we were born?

And this is where things get a little dicey and the blame can get thrown around.  But we’re not going down that road so let’s be grown ups and talk about how things really are and put aside our emotions while we get into this.

Everything we experience and everything we are told, the way we are taught by others by their actions and their examples, shows us how to respond to our stimulus as our free will begins to overcome our natural instincts from birth.

So in reality, we become a mishmash of the people with whom we associate from birth through those critical, early formative years up to about six to eight years old. That is pretty much our introduction to this world.  And everything we do after that depends on our understanding of the world during those first six to eight years.

 





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





Worlds collide

18 08 2010

I sit here in a hotel room because I don’t have a home.  I have so many friends who take care of my every need.  I love them so much.  I’ve been so blessed to have such wonderful friends and new aquaintences but there is another side to the coin.  I have a family and a wake of destruction behind me who don’t have any faith in me and who don’t want me around. 

What if those two worlds were to collide?

It would mean work for sure.  Healing would be the ultimate goal.  To bring a family together after having broken it apart would be a true miracle.  I hope it is possible.  I have lived my life to make it that way and it’s time now to heal.





Finding direction

2 05 2010

For quite some time now I have believed I knew what I was doing, where I was headed and what I wanted. The truth is that I had a head full of thoughts influenced by, let’s say false sources.

I chose to be angry and resentful at what life has given me. When I started down that path it made sense to me and I believed I was right. I believed it so strongly that I began to hurt people in my life. I certainly lashed out at those who I believed had wronged me. Whether they did or not really doesn’t matter. The truth is that we ALL make choices and we all have our trials to bear and more importantly; we ALL make mistakes. What I mean by that is, we are all walking our own paths and I have to allow people to have their will, to choose their own paths and accept what those choices bring into my life.

For me to hold any grudges only hurts me. The right thing to do is to forgive and heal. It is nobody’s fault that I hurt or that I feel anger in any way. It is only my own choice.

I have held people accountable for the way I feel for a very long time. It is not their choice nor is it their responsibility. The people I’m talking about are actually wonderful and loving people with their own lives to live and their own feelings to live with.

I am sorry from the depths of my soul for blaming others for anything that is my responsibility.

For more than three years I have been walking a path that has led me down a long and lonesome road that I believed was the road for me. Suddenly, I realized I was in an unfamiliar place with a long journey back to where I belong.

I am walking back to find the straight and narrow path, to grab the iron rod again and hold tight. If I can do it I can get back everything I have lost. And the truth is that I have lost it. It was not taken from me. I quit before the trial was over. It is not up to me to determine the timeline of this life. It is only up to me to do what is right within the circumstances of my life. I am so looking forward to coming back, no matter what it takes or how long it takes.








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