Stay High

14 02 2016

mc5I wrote “stay high” in one of my stoner girlfriends’ yearbooks in my Jr. year of high school. And she left her yearbook behind in class one day and the teacher opened it and started reading the comments.  So dude called my parents and said we needed to do a drug intervention with me, just because I told her to stay high.

I didn’t do drugs like those chicks.  They were way more mature and older than me.  I started school a year earlier than I should have so I was always with older kids in the same class and I witnessed things earlier than I should have.

They would come to school on Monday, after the weekend talking about taking LSD and Cocaine and having sex with their older boyfriends.  I just listened and let it roll off my back because I knew I was way too young for that business.  But they liked me a lot so they would travail me with these stories of slutty-hood and debauchery.

So I knew they liked to party and they were my friends in school so I wrote, “stay high” in her yearbook and the adults all freaked out on me.  And her too, but she laughed it off because her parents allowed her these luxuries.

But not mine, and not that I would have wanted to do that stuff at such a young age, I wouldn’t have.  They would tell me that I needed to take LSD with them and then they would “take advantage” of me in the bedroom.

Sounds about what every high school boy dreams of, it actually happened to me but I just put it out of my mind because I knew I was going on a mission for Jesus Christ when I was 19 and I had to remain pure as I could.  But I smoked a lot of weed, and drank alcohol and made out with a lot of chicks…I just never went all the way like those crazy chicas wanted me too.

And after the discovery of “stay high” in the yearbook, I was grounded for two months by my parents.  Man, that sucked.  I got grounded a lot, and for long times too because I did some stuff I should not have done, but it was never as severe as my parents imagined, and during lecture time I never said anything, just listened to them tell me what kind of trouble I was getting into for coming home smelling like smoke.

Man, I must have driven my parents nuts in my latter high school years.  They have no idea I was merely the celibate stoner.  I just liked my brain escape from the harshness of home, but I wasn’t out womanizing or anything like my other buddies were.

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Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.





A Communist in the Whitehouse – I’m just getting started…more to come

9 01 2014

propagandaAt a glance many people will smirk and chuckle about the title of this post, but I’m not using hyperbole and trying to emphasize a point of view;  I’m stone cold serious. And I’ll demonstrate how I found this and why I believe it and why it’s important.

First off, this country is not a Democracy nor is it a Republic per se.

We live in a Constitutional Republic.

Why is it important to understand this from the beginning?  Because it is the very foundation upon which our nation was perceived, framed and constructed; and the antithesis of Barack Obama’s vision for our future.

What is a Constitutional Republic? First, let’s start by defining Democracy and Republic.

A democratic form of government is simply, majority rule.  Everyone who is eligible and can vote has a voice, and in the end the majority’s persuasion wins the day.

A republic form of government is one where the elected government officials represent the individual, but are beholden to the populus at large and therefore, their affairs are open to public view and scrutiny.

America is a Constitutional Republic.

We adhere to the tenets of our founding Constitution and its articles of declaration and our elected government officials, who are elected by a process that is democratic (and that’s why people believe America is a democracy, because we vote) are therefore bound to the principles within the Constitution and its amendments.  The Constitution is their playbook.  Everything they do, comes from within those documents.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.

In America, the Federal government has no power over the people.  They merely have the authority act within the boundaries created by the Constitution; nothing more and nothing less.

The individual united states however, have authority to pass laws and regulations based on their social needs created from the desires of the people living within their boundaries by a democratic process.

Elected officials within the states represent the people to the Federal government i.e. Congressmen and Senators.

So to make it very simplistic, the people in the states vote for individuals who have the same beliefs and principles and give them their trust as they then go to the Capital of the Nation to represent the voice of the individual.

Why are there Congress and Senate and what do each do?

I’m not going to go into all that much detail but the purpose of a Congressman is to hear the voice of the people by the state in which he was elected and take that voice to the Federal government to be heard.

The Senate is there to evaluate the deeds of Congress, and to ratify their bills and laws and decide if they are in line with constitutional principles.  If they are, the laws are passed, amendments chartered and so on and so forth.

The purpose of the President is to oversee the deeds of the Congress and Senate and to make sure that they are upholding the principles of the Constitution, from which their authority is granted.  And he is given the power to veto bills and laws if they are not in line with the Constitution.

He is an overseer.  The president is granted no legislative authority.  That is reserved for the purposes of the Congress and the Senate.

But all to often, once a man is given a little authority, he immediately exersizes unrighteous dominion, and that is why there is a Senate, to keep Congress in check, and a President to make sure all bills are in line with constitutional principles.

And then we have the Supreme Court, but we won’t go into that.  Enough is enough with our discussion of government 101.

However, many people believe that the office of the President is one of authority, and power over Congress, the Senate and the People.  This is completely opposite to the purpose of the creation of this experiment called America.  For the President to have authority over the legislative bodies and the people, would be to have a King or a Dictator.  As I said before, the President is merely an overseer and protector of our freedoms; nothing more, nothing less.

The office of the President is very simple, although its execution is complicated by politics.  And now we return to the temptation that a man given authority has the tendency toward the immediate exersize of unrighteous dominion.

Without being too detailed, I’ll lay out, based on my understanding, which has come by my formal education and relentless pursuit for the knowledge of our nation’s history and government (I’m not just repeating what I hear others say) so that as we proceed, we also understand together the same definition of political titles and terminologies, where authority is given and its boundaries.  Because too often conversations turn contentious simply because ideas are represented by words which are defined differently from one person to another; ergo the explanation of the authorities of the different branches of government in America.

And now that we have that foundation laid down, and a common understanding of things we can begin to discuss all this communist-in-the-whitehouse hoopla (see what I did there, with the foundation and that…).

One thing I’ll give to this president is his honoring the promise to fundamentally transform America.  Because that’s exactly why he ran for office.  Hope and change, to fundamentally transform America.

Here’s the actual quote given October 31, 2008

“After decades of broken politics in Washington, and eight years of failed policies from George W. Bush, and 21 months of a campaign that’s taken us from the rocky coast of Maine to the sunshine of California, we are five days away from fundamentally transforming the United States of America. In five days, you can turn the page on policies that put greed and irresponsibility on Wall Street before the hard work and sacrifice of folks on Main Street.”

And in this context its critical to remember that in another speech given February 19, 2008, which has been given the title “Just Words”, he quoted many former presidents and emphasised how important the words used in presidential speeches really are, and that they mean what they say.

He threw those words over our heads in his speech but when I heard him say that my hair caught fire.  And that’s one of the reasons I’ve been relentless over the past five or six years in pointing out his actions and trying to demonstrate in a way that people can understand, the direction in which they are steering our nation.

So what does a ‘fundamental transformation’ really mean and why would he say something like that in regards to his Hope and Change campaign?

It’s important now, that we understand where the campaign slogan “Hope and Change” originated.  What are the roots of these terms and why did he use the word Hope, and what does the word Change really mean to him?

Those words resonate with everyone on a level that brings comfort and enthusiasm for prosperity, and relief from our burdens.   But it’s important to understand what those terms mean to the person who used them in the first place.  Why did he say them to us and what is he really trying to say?  Because he knows that those are positive, uplifting terms to most, however his definition of them is far more sinister than many of us realize.   And its because of the origin of those terms coming from him, in context with his background, that they are so dangerous.

Let’s start with the term ‘change’ and what it really means coming from his roots.

Barack Obama was indoctrinated deeply with sympathy for the cause of Marxist, Leninist, Taoist, Trotskyite, AKA Communist principles, especially while he was at Columbia University and then in Chicago in the mid nineteen eighties where he was given accolades, attention, a taste of power and some vision he could believe in, in actually being an influential part of the infiltration and eventual overthrow of what he perceived as a corrupt and oppresive American regime.

When Obama got to Chicago, he began his work as a community organizer.  This is public knowledge and sounds like a credible and honorable position of leadership.  But understanding what a community organizer is and where its roots spring is critical in understanding Obama’s indoctrination into a full blown Marxist.

He began training in the mid nineteen eightees at the Midwest Academy, through a grant from the Woods Fund which he received through his associations with Thomas Ayers.

Thomas Ayers is the father of William Ayers and was then CEO of Commonwealth Edison, which is one of the largest gas and electric utility holding companies in the nation.

One of Bill Ayers’ most poignant comments was, after being charged with terrorist bombings and being acquitted on a technicality, “guilty as sin, free as a bird.”  Of course he was acquitted because of his powerful connections through his father.

The Midwest Academy was founded by sixties radicals who were members of the SDS, Students for a Democratic Society.  Remember the definition of Democracy?  Majority rule.  No foundation in principle or ethics and no constitution.  Simply a powerful arm to forcing the rule of the strong over the weak.

Now were going to take a little diversion to explore the origins of the SDS, just for a moment, so that we can better understand what type of motivation his trainers at the Midwest Academy had in forming him into a community organizer, then I’ll demonstrae what a community organizer really is.

The SDS was born of Marxist philosophy and founded upon its principles.  In short, the SDS is a new-age euphamism for modern day Marxist think-tankers.

NOTE: If you don’t understand Karl Marx and the fact that he was a megalomaniac bent on the destruction of liberty and freedom then you should go back to the drawing board, get a little brush up on the origins of Communist theory and start all over with this post.

Here’s how the SDS links directly to Karl Marx and the proof that Obama is a Communist.  But that’s not even the smoking gun in all of this, so stick with me because it will all come together.

Karl Marx was inspired by the philosopher George Hegel, who created dialectic theory and the art of argument.  Without going into the details of Hegelian Dialectics, I’ll define it briefly.  George Hegel isn’t the man who created the dialectic theory originally but he is the one to whom its philosophical body is commonly attributed.

Dialectics approaches all theories and theoroms based on the premise that all supporting axioms of thought are inherently flawed.  Therefore the proponents of dialectic theory naturally seek to find fault in everything around them and therefore are able to create a new problem which then needs to be overcome by thier implementation of a solution, thereby giving them the control; which was their original design, taking control.

Dialectic is more than just rhetoric or debate.  It is a mode of moving an idealogy or philosophy off of its foundation for the purposes of change and assimilation, to bring differing ideals into a more commonly accepted realm of thought.

This is how socialists, leftists, Marxists and facists think and approach everything.  At a glance it looks like a healthy way of exploring ideas, because we must be open to the possibility that there are flaws in ideas so that we can correct them and move forward to healing and truth.

However, those who have more diabolical ideals coursing through their thought processes use dialectic theory to poke holes in otherwise sound and solid modes of thought for the purposes of usurping power over more natural and morally based ideals which have stood for millenia.  That’s why it’s so easy to lead a group around by the nose once religion, or a principled foundation is removed from the equation.

There are no absolutes in dialectic thought.  Everything is up for discussion and everything is open to change; and a democratic power structure who rules over a dependent, lower class is always the force manipulating that change for their own needs and pleasures at any given time.

All that the power hungry structure needs for a populus to follow them is a large enough common crisis that affects everyone, and then they are able to propose a solution to what seems an unsolvable problem.

Please share this with everyone who is open to the truth.  It’s important that Americans are knowledgeable about these things.  This isn’t a game and it isn’t a safety net.  It’s literal tyranny, just what the Founding Fathers escaped.

(image used without permission)





Sources

5 03 2011

During all the controversy I’ve created among my circle of friends and family with my thoughts and opinions I’ve come to find that they want sources for my insights.  I have failed to provide the sources of my research, therefore I am being accused of lying and making things up.

In the future I will start to cite my sources but for now I’ll say that all of what I have gathered has come from the study of a combination of sources.  Many of which will go against the  grain of many peoples comfort but these are my conclusions based on research of the best books I have found in life.  And one of the things I was taught as a child was to find truth from the best books, and I have held on to that as a standard of guidance for my life, to answer the questions I come up against throughout my trials and they have served me well as I now have inner peace and calm and I am in balance with what I believe is divine nature, God.

People in my life accuse me of many things but I have come to this by work, research, experience, living life, making mistakes, making choices, exercising reason and applying these things to my daily life.  These are all the things the people in my life who are accusing me of wrong doing are telling me to do, and I do them, and these are the results.  So why are they pointing fingers at me?  I think the confusion is with them, not with me.  I am fine and I am free.

My primary sources are the cannon of scripture from the LDS church.  The King James version of the bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, along with many translations of ancient Egyptian writings from the times of the pharaohs.  I also follow after the philosophies of the ancient Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero, coupled with the reason and integrity of our founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington.

Recently I have been privileged to have been enlightened by the teachings of Dr. Bruce Lipton, a microbiologist who has done stem cell research  since 1967 and who has pioneered the new bio-science of epigenetics.

Thanks for following along.  Comments are welcome,  please check your anger at the door.  This is discussion of important matters that pertain to life.  Humor is welcome always!

(top image used without artist permission)





You coulda fooled me!

31 01 2011

I need to preface this post by saying I don’t 100% agree with the sentiment expressed within.  I do, however like the way I expressed it and think there’s some food for thought here.  It’s easy to be hyper-sensitive at times and perceive things that are not actually taking place.

********

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.”
— Brigham Young

Tonight I went to a dance.  It was weird, but I was there.  It was a dance in downtown SLC at a Masonic lodge put on by some people who throw parties and dances for single people over the age of thirty five.  So I went with a friend for something to do, to hang out, dance a little, mingle, munch on some snacks, say hi to some friends and call it a night.

It was good for the most part, but I do have one big complaint.  And I hate to complain.  I used to like to complain a lot.  I used to have a good old time blogging and criticizing people, complaining about all sorts of crazy and unimportant things I found irritating in my life.  That was back when I was basically miserable inside; happy on the outside but tormented on the inside.  Now I’m what you see is what you get.

So I wandered down to the area where all the people I know are dancing and they’re laughing, having a good time and dancing.  Now, the deal here is that all the guys want the women to like them and they’re all trying to impress all the women.  And all the women want to look good enough to be accepted by the other women and to be liked by all the guys.  So there’s this dynamic going on of human mating rituals, showing off, trying to impress each other and all sorts of one-upsmanship and I’m just there to hang out.  I could give two shits about impressing anyone or making a love connection.

what's your perspective?These are people I know, I’ve associated with in the past; not people I’d put on my Christmas list or to whose funerals I would be invited, but they are people I’ve shared the social spotlight with and we have common friends.  When I go to these dances I don’t get all excited and immediately run out on the dance floor and start cutting a groove to China.  I like to stand back for a while, watch everyone, see who is around, watch what’s happening, have some snacks, meet a person or two and then maybe dance a little bit.  I think because I approach it this way that some people think I’m being a snob or anti-social.  It’s not that at all; I just like to soak things in.  I’m different from most people and I don’t feel like I have to jump into the fray to avoid missing some critical moment in social evolution.  OK, that was a snobbish comment; maybe I should take it back.  It doesn’t apply to everyone but I know it applies to some.

When I finally got down to the group I started dancing with my friend and I said hello to a few of the people there from across the room; talked to one or two of them a little bit.  There were some casual hellos given with a little courteous wave of the hand but it was mostly insincere, formal gesturing.

When the whole shebang was through the house lights came up and all the glad handing and hugging commenced and people started saying their goodbyes.  This is where it was really apparent that I was not part of the pack.  Eye contact was avoided with me by people I’ve had lengthy intimate conversations with in the past and except for a few of them who are genuinely cool people, nobody had any time or interest in my being there.  I only bring this up because I know why it happened like this.  It’s because of my past; because I spent some time in jail and that I have a reputation for associating with more rough-around-the-edges sorts of crowds.  In short, it’s a result of the choices I’ve made in the past.

Now, it does bother me on some level but I really want to say it doesn’t bother me at all, and tomorrow it isn’t going to bother me one bit and I’m going to feel like I shouldn’t have made this blog post at all; but like I said in the preface, I think there’s some food for thought in here.

Truly, it doesn’t really bother me other than just on the surface.  I mean I could take them or leave them, except that they’re my brothers and sisters and I do care for them and love them, but they’re just people, regular people who have regular lives.  They come and go; they’re not a critical part of my life.

But this sort of thing has never happened to me before although I have witnessed it happening to others in this very same circle.  I have seen people come and go from this social circle because they become offended and feel ostracized by the indifference of others.

I like to talk to people.  I like to say hello to strangers and make conversation with people I don’t know.  I like to make someone I don’t know laugh and try to make an impression on them to help them feel like there’s somebody out there who found them interesting enough to give their attention to.  That’s what uplifting our brothers and sisters is about.  And it’s not about doing it just to get it done, it’s about being sincerely interested in another person.

This sort of snubbing I see going on with people of this age only happens in Utah and in the LDS social circles.  It’s sad but true.  I certainly hate to be critical of my people; and they are my people because of my ancestry, my culture and the group I primarily identify myself with.

The core of our religious beliefs is Jesus Christ and love, compassion and service.  The purpose of our very lives is to help up build the kingdom of God on the earth and welcome all of our brothers and sisters into the fold; especially those who have been lost and wandering; not to shun them because they have habits or tendencies toward things that go against the teachings of our gospel.  Because to be completely honest, all of us are guilty of that very thing.  If that were not true none of us would need repentance.  It’s just that many people have bad habits that are easy to hide, that don’t outwardly offend others or make others out-rightly uncomfortable.

don't do it!Say there’s one guy who shows up reeking of cigarette smoke, wearing a Headbanger’s Ball t-shirt and another guy shows up who has just spent the past three hours watching hard-core pornography in the privacy of his own home.  How easy is it to pass judgment in a case like that?  The outward appearance is important, but the truth is more important.

Sometimes I wonder if the feeling is that if they associate with me they will somehow be categorized by their peers as being sympathetic to whatever behavior or experience in my past opposes their values.  I have a checkered past and it surely rubs some people the wrong way.  And there are others who look right past it and know me as the person I am; not for the light that shines on me but for the light that shines from me.

Often times, people close themselves off and huddle together in their social groups like Jr. High School kids.  I know they don’t do this on purpose and I know they have bigger hearts than I’m making it sound like, but their actions certainly mean something.  I know they do good things and give service, are good parents, good friends and good, honest citizens.  I tried to socialize with them, I tried to be a part of the crowd, tried to be friendly, tried to open up but there’s something going on, something about me that threatens or otherwise makes them feel uneasy.

Somebody is going to read this blog post and word is going to spread and then they’ll know how I feel, then they will feel justified in ignoring me because they can point to the attitude expressed in this blog post and say it’s because of my own behavior I feel this way.  But I didn’t feel this way until tonight.

Look up!So I got this off my chest, it’s just a rant and it’s probably an overblown misunderstanding but the essence of what I’m saying is surely going to resonate with some people who understand exactly where I’m coming from.  Then there will be the defensive group who won’t have a clue what I’m talking about and think I’m just being a jerk.  Then there might be a couple who are exceptions, who were actually very cool to me and who don’t belong as part of this rant, but who mistakenly think I still mean them too.

You can’t make everyone happy all of the time.  There’s no use in trying, so I just tell the truth, call it like I see it, speak my mind, say what I’m feeling and let the cards fall where they may.  This makes some people uncomfortable but I live life with a clean conscious knowing that I’m honest and truthful.  People don’t have to guess what I’m thinking or wonder how I feel.  Despite all of this ranting, I have nothing against any of these good people and I admire all of them in many different ways.

It’s just unfortunate that some of them feel uncomfortable.  Is it my fault or is it their problem? I don’t know.  I don’t think it really matters anyway.  I think what matters is that the future holds good things and that everything is going to be just fine and that I have no reason to bitch about anything.





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





All Amazed!

28 07 2010

I’ve been to hell and back. I’m so grateful for every little thing right now. It seems that my whole life I have lived with some sort of anxiety engine running in my chest producing worry and doubt to constantly sabotage any chance of lasting success or happiness. It’s gone.

Where did it go? What happened? How is it possible that this negative force that has kept me so enslaved to worry and fear can just be gone from my life? It didn’t just go away, it was a process. It was agonizing and painful and it was the most intense soul searching self discovery that can be imagined. But for any great triumph to take place there must be trials, obstacles and great opposition to overcome. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it cost me my life.

There will be more detailed expositions of my story in other forms but for now I’ll keep it short.

Anger will destroy a man quicker than a bullet to the brain. I let the bitterness and anger of the divorce experience overcome me and drag me down with chains into the despair of hell. I was hopeless and suicidal and had abandoned all regard for myself and what I cared about. The only reason I did not take my own life is because I have children that I could not give that experience to.

[BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD]

I found myself completely alone in a dark and dreary world void of purpose or direction. I sought comfort from things that only satisfied immediate desires. Nothing lasted. Nothing mattered. Nothing was real anymore. I existed as a persona on the Internet and as a shell of what I once was in the business world. I could barely muster up enough energy to get through a day at the office and would rarely give any sort of effort other than just to get through the next thirty seconds. I lived like this for well over a year. It was dank, dark and a scary time although while I was going through it I told myself I had a grip on things and that I was doing OK.

I was addicted to drugs. Dextromethorphan was the queen mother of them all. Marijuana and alcohol were frequent companions and occasionally mushrooms, cocaine or LSD to send things into overdrive. All of these things were done in combination, of course to maximize the effects and to disassociate myself to the ultimate degree from the bitter lonliness that stirred in my angry and broken heart.

Deep down we all need something greater than ourselves to identify with. Even if we are unaware of our yearnings or that we are searching, and grasping, we are making connections. Music is something I have always found consolation in. It provides me with a connection beyond myself, a connection with the vibrations that are up there and out there.

Now I’m starting to sound like a spaced out fruit cake, but that’s what music is. Music and sound are vibrations that resonate with the powers that control our world and the universe and everything that exists. Music has a powerful effect on everything around us and most especially, music has an effect on what goes on within us.

Below are the lyrics to an amazing and beautiful song by an artist named John Frusciante. This song relates much of what I feel.

I’ve got a million to choose from
A million ways things could be
In dull moments I feel like
There’s a million options I see
The trouble is choosing one
The trouble is doing one
A slave in the fields one night
He’s running along
Gets far enough to be a free man
And he’s feeling so strong
That’s how actions should be
Freeing
Step after step is our only choice in a walk
When we run at the mouth we jump back and forth
There’s only one place I’m going
There’s only one destiny
And if my mind tells me otherwise
Then it’s a poor guide for me
All of the energy in life
Is nothing more than a spark in a fire
The whole course of time is the blink of an eye
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into the cards
Ahm Yum
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into another world
Ahm Yum

…to be continued //








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