Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.

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Many Are Called But Few Are Chosen

21 01 2015

vbpnderanceMany are called but few are chosen.

And why are they not chosen? Because they put their hearts and minds on the things of this world and wish for status and to dominate over others with authority.

We are all called to do a great work, and sometimes we are released from our callings, to see if we will continue in the work…and THAT is how we become Chosen.

It is a call to service, to keep the two great and only Commandments given to us by Christ. Love the Lord, and serve our brothers and sisters. The ten commandments were given to the Jews by Moses. These are OUR Commandments.

If we learn to do those two things while we are called, and continue to do them after we are released, we become Chosen.





Freedom of Choice and the Consequences of Liberty

7 03 2011

We all stand on the principles, as Americans, that we are a free people and that we have our liberties; freedom of choice and liberty of will.  These are rights granted to us by our constitution.  We claim them as unalienable rights, granted to us by divine providence through the laws of Nature, Virtue and common Morality.  These are the principles of the Anglo Saxon pioneers who founded this land and established our first colonies and these are the principles our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington followed after in drafting the timeless and inspired documents of freedom and independence that we stand on to claim these freedoms from oppressive government rule locally and around the world.

When these freedoms are encroached upon by unrighteous governmental dominion we have the responsibility as citizens of this great republic to speak our minds and make our voices heard in the halls of education, administration and before the judges who stand in place to enforce our laws and interpret our constitutional rights and freedoms.  Our administrators and judges are not in place to exercise dominion over us or to enforce laws upon us without merit or justification.  And when we find ourselves being subjected to restrictions by our government officials based on the laws that they have enacted for the gain of power and control over the freedoms of the commonwealth of the people, we have a responsibility to be informed, to understand our laws, to understand our constitutional rights and to stand up and be heard so we as brothers and sisters do not fall to the tyranny of government oppression.

I find it troubling that too many people in this day and age complain about the ills of society, about what they see as not fair or what they claim as unconstitutional, or what new laws they claim should be enacted by congress and interpreted by the courts.  These are mostly based on precedents set by previous judgments by higher courts and powerful lawyers, bending our freedoms to the wills of lobbyists and powerful special interest groups who do not serve the interests of the commonwealth and only exist to increase their own wealth and fill their pockets by greed and by ruling industry and corporations, by raising taxes, by increasing costs and by controlling the supply of goods and services to the people.

I find it troubling that too many people, when they feel oppressed in any way look to the government for solutions to their societal struggles rather than looking within themselves for answers, to stand up in the face of tyranny and choose liberty and freedom of oppressive rule and excessive restriction to natural resources, jobs and the blessings of prosperity divinely granted over time as we have grown and prospered as a nation and throughout the world.

I find it troubling that too many people seek government rule as a means to an end of social problems when these problems have been created as a result of the people themselves exercising irresponsibly the constitutional rights granted them in our founding documents.

I find it troubling that rather than with reason and the acceptance of personal responsibility, too many people point their fingers in accusation against others and find fault in the actions of others rather than looking inward for solutions to the things that trouble them.

We are not responsible for the actions of our fellow citizens, but we are responsible for the actions of ourselves and we are responsible as citizens of this free republic to hold our fellow citizens accountable for the abuse of their freedoms and their irresponsible and selfish behavior when taking advantage of unnecessary government hand outs and misguided solutions to societal ills and social problems.

We are responsible to defend the freedoms and rights we are granted in the constitutions of our own states, our community charters, the rules enacted by our local administrative bodies and the freedoms granted by the constitution and bill of rights of this nation.

We are responsible to be familiar with the words of our constitutions; our state and national constitutions, our bills of rights, the laws enacted by our legislative bodies, the powers that our elected officials are exercising over us and the rules of the judges and the precedents set by them by their interpretation of the arguments of lawyers which in many cases are presented only to justify the poor decisions of their wealthy clients and to line their pockets with the money these greedy individual can afford to pay them.  To get away with their unethical acts by circumventing the rule of law based on precedents established by the twisting of words and misinterpretation of our freedoms and liberties stated in our founding documents.

Changes in our constitutional freedoms come about by the actions of the people and the special interests of those who have power given them by their status in society because of their wealth.  For no other reason than that they have the ability to reward those who will hear them because they can most quickly satisfy the greed of the bureaucrats and line their pockets with filthy lucre rather than provide and enforce our already established laws and defend our freedoms and liberties as a great commonwealth of a virtuous and moral people.

It is time for us to stand up and be informed.  It is time for us to stand up and be educated about the things that are happening in the halls of congress and the  legislative powers that we have elected, who are now enforcing greater laws, taxes and oppression on our heads in the name of correcting problems in a private society brought on by the greed of special interest groups such as the pharmaceutical companies, medical industry and insurance conglomerates.

It is time for us to stand up and solve these problems with private industry, with technology, with the bright minds of our educated youth and the coming together of people who have vision for our future and the survival of this great nation.  To never let the oppressive rule of government bureaucracies encumber our ability to thrive and progress as a nation, as a people, as families and as individuals in our pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.

It is time for us to come together and stand in defense of our constitution, to cast our votes responsibly and to elect individuals who have a correct understanding of morality, ethical standards and virtuous character.  To elect individuals who have their eyes and minds set on a course of healing, of progress and of constructive management of resources and who will enforce our laws as they have been established without unnecessarily enacting greater laws as some disingenuous solution to misunderstood or misinterpreted laws already passed or because of the uninformed and ignorant complaints of lazy people; to satisfy their own desires to retain the power of their offices and their status as government officials.

It is time for us to elect officials who will stand up for our freedoms to progress and to pursue life, liberty and happiness without oppressive taxation without representation, who will not encumber our progress with governmental bureaucracies established by the lust for power and for the creation of comfortable positions of status over our communities and our society.

It is time for us as a people to remind our officials that they have been elected by a commonwealth to be public servants and that they have not been elected so that they can sit in their positions of status as paid tyrants to enforce unjust restrictions over our freedoms of divinely granted will.

It is time for us to take back our states and take back our nation and take back our freedoms.  It is time for us to take back our communities.  It is time for us to take back our families from educators who grant themselves authority over our children by the mandates of the unions and the rhetoric and agendas of special interest groups who wish to control the minds of our youth to meet their ends.  To satisfy their greed and their lust for control because of their want to excuse themselves from ethical and moral behavior based on the tenets of virtue and moral character as written in our founding documents and stated by our founding fathers.

It is time for us to remind our educators and the authorities of education that we are the parents of these children and that we have given them the opportunity to educate our children and to teach them reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, history, art, music, athletics, debate and language arts and that we pay them by our taxes and that it is our right to determine the discipline and exercise of moral authority over our children and over our families.  It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children correct principles of morality, character and virtue within the walls of our homes and to never expect our educators to be the proponents of these divine principles.

We must demand that our educators refrain from imposing their personal views of moral conduct and passive restriction on the freedoms, wills and minds of our bright and noble children and stop destroying their wills to create and express and grow into the amazing individuals who are the future generations of leadership and who will guide this country on into the future. Our children should be taught to be standards of liberty and freedom throughout the world, to spread democracy to nations around the world.

It is time!

(some images used without artist’s permission)





Sources

5 03 2011

During all the controversy I’ve created among my circle of friends and family with my thoughts and opinions I’ve come to find that they want sources for my insights.  I have failed to provide the sources of my research, therefore I am being accused of lying and making things up.

In the future I will start to cite my sources but for now I’ll say that all of what I have gathered has come from the study of a combination of sources.  Many of which will go against the  grain of many peoples comfort but these are my conclusions based on research of the best books I have found in life.  And one of the things I was taught as a child was to find truth from the best books, and I have held on to that as a standard of guidance for my life, to answer the questions I come up against throughout my trials and they have served me well as I now have inner peace and calm and I am in balance with what I believe is divine nature, God.

People in my life accuse me of many things but I have come to this by work, research, experience, living life, making mistakes, making choices, exercising reason and applying these things to my daily life.  These are all the things the people in my life who are accusing me of wrong doing are telling me to do, and I do them, and these are the results.  So why are they pointing fingers at me?  I think the confusion is with them, not with me.  I am fine and I am free.

My primary sources are the cannon of scripture from the LDS church.  The King James version of the bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, along with many translations of ancient Egyptian writings from the times of the pharaohs.  I also follow after the philosophies of the ancient Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero, coupled with the reason and integrity of our founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington.

Recently I have been privileged to have been enlightened by the teachings of Dr. Bruce Lipton, a microbiologist who has done stem cell research  since 1967 and who has pioneered the new bio-science of epigenetics.

Thanks for following along.  Comments are welcome,  please check your anger at the door.  This is discussion of important matters that pertain to life.  Humor is welcome always!

(top image used without artist permission)





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





Finding direction

2 05 2010

For quite some time now I have believed I knew what I was doing, where I was headed and what I wanted. The truth is that I had a head full of thoughts influenced by, let’s say false sources.

I chose to be angry and resentful at what life has given me. When I started down that path it made sense to me and I believed I was right. I believed it so strongly that I began to hurt people in my life. I certainly lashed out at those who I believed had wronged me. Whether they did or not really doesn’t matter. The truth is that we ALL make choices and we all have our trials to bear and more importantly; we ALL make mistakes. What I mean by that is, we are all walking our own paths and I have to allow people to have their will, to choose their own paths and accept what those choices bring into my life.

For me to hold any grudges only hurts me. The right thing to do is to forgive and heal. It is nobody’s fault that I hurt or that I feel anger in any way. It is only my own choice.

I have held people accountable for the way I feel for a very long time. It is not their choice nor is it their responsibility. The people I’m talking about are actually wonderful and loving people with their own lives to live and their own feelings to live with.

I am sorry from the depths of my soul for blaming others for anything that is my responsibility.

For more than three years I have been walking a path that has led me down a long and lonesome road that I believed was the road for me. Suddenly, I realized I was in an unfamiliar place with a long journey back to where I belong.

I am walking back to find the straight and narrow path, to grab the iron rod again and hold tight. If I can do it I can get back everything I have lost. And the truth is that I have lost it. It was not taken from me. I quit before the trial was over. It is not up to me to determine the timeline of this life. It is only up to me to do what is right within the circumstances of my life. I am so looking forward to coming back, no matter what it takes or how long it takes.








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