Stay High

14 02 2016

mc5I wrote “stay high” in one of my stoner girlfriends’ yearbooks in my Jr. year of high school. And she left her yearbook behind in class one day and the teacher opened it and started reading the comments.  So dude called my parents and said we needed to do a drug intervention with me, just because I told her to stay high.

I didn’t do drugs like those chicks.  They were way more mature and older than me.  I started school a year earlier than I should have so I was always with older kids in the same class and I witnessed things earlier than I should have.

They would come to school on Monday, after the weekend talking about taking LSD and Cocaine and having sex with their older boyfriends.  I just listened and let it roll off my back because I knew I was way too young for that business.  But they liked me a lot so they would travail me with these stories of slutty-hood and debauchery.

So I knew they liked to party and they were my friends in school so I wrote, “stay high” in her yearbook and the adults all freaked out on me.  And her too, but she laughed it off because her parents allowed her these luxuries.

But not mine, and not that I would have wanted to do that stuff at such a young age, I wouldn’t have.  They would tell me that I needed to take LSD with them and then they would “take advantage” of me in the bedroom.

Sounds about what every high school boy dreams of, it actually happened to me but I just put it out of my mind because I knew I was going on a mission for Jesus Christ when I was 19 and I had to remain pure as I could.  But I smoked a lot of weed, and drank alcohol and made out with a lot of chicks…I just never went all the way like those crazy chicas wanted me too.

And after the discovery of “stay high” in the yearbook, I was grounded for two months by my parents.  Man, that sucked.  I got grounded a lot, and for long times too because I did some stuff I should not have done, but it was never as severe as my parents imagined, and during lecture time I never said anything, just listened to them tell me what kind of trouble I was getting into for coming home smelling like smoke.

Man, I must have driven my parents nuts in my latter high school years.  They have no idea I was merely the celibate stoner.  I just liked my brain escape from the harshness of home, but I wasn’t out womanizing or anything like my other buddies were.





Cure For Depression In The Year 2015

19 06 2015

Put down, get away from, or unplug whatever screen has your attention and go create something of beauty, anything, but do it without your electronic device.

Cook a meal from scratch out of our imagination, make something new.

Draw a picture of yourself, then do it again.

Get out of the slavery and bondage of the Internet!

It is a web that is catching its prey.

The World Wide Web.

always watching

always watching

And it has caught humanity as its victim and they don’t even realize it.





Connect The Dots, Through The Labrirynth To Finally Find Obama’s Real Father — Proof Right Here Frank Marshall Davis is Obama’s Daddy

12 01 2014

I’ve demonstrated undeniably with the historical evidence and research to back it up that Barack Obama is a Communist.  And in my last blog post I said that that evidence and proof wasn’t even the smoking gun in all of this.

Then what is the smoking gun?  Because that certainly in and of itself is a  bombshell of a scandal of proportions the world has never known.  This is Biblical!

The smoking gun is the evidence and proof of who Barack Obama’s real father is.  At this point, politically for our Nation, it really makes no difference who his father is.  But to reassure ourselves of just how diabolical and real this conspiracy is, it’s important to comprehend the connections Obama has, his ties to his power base and how they diverge and unfold and, the source from whence he sprang forth upon our lives.

And I’m sure you’re asking yourself, then why isn’t the media picking up on these things if they’re true?

It’s because it is even deeper than Obama being a Communist shill or his father being Frank Marshall Davis.  And after all of this reasearch I’ll guide us into the reality of shadow governments who really control what is going on in this world and in this country.  We have been taken over by a power so big, so vast, so enormous that it would create panic and hysteria if the media were to even begin to touch upon it.  That is why there are stories out there created to make those who find these horrifying truths look like they are making things up, like they are sensationalists and who are nothing more than story tellers for attention’s sake.

They are diabolical schemers and they know how to turn the knobs, how little moves, over time influence large bodies of thought and they create entire philosphies and paradigms by which societies construct themselves.  And no, aliens are not involved.  It’s basic Biblical good versus evil Satan versus God type stuff.  Take or leave it, this is the truth.  Christ is the pinnacle of it all and thank Heavens for that comforting knowledge.

But it’s still important to be a part of these things as they take place, because we are the very instruments by which our Creator propogates his will upon mankind.  It’s not forced nor are we compelled to do His will, but there is a plan, and a set of rules by nature that we must adhere to.  And if we don’t, the consequences play out with horrors, famines, wars, murders, conspiracies, natural disasters, because when you go against natural law, natural consequences are the result.

It’s not God being angry, it’s merely the result of our ignorance and rebellion against historical truth.  Mankind is making it up as he goes along these days.  No longer do we look to the tried and true tenets of spiritual strength upon which to build our foundations of business, personal, family and social life, we do things based on our bodily pleasure responses and emotional desires.  In short, everything society is aiming toward is pacification of the self.

And that is directly in contrast to the entire plan from the very beginning.

Now, back to Obama’s daddy.

Why does all of this matter and how does it correlate?

It correlates because the opposing forces know that society operates on the assumption that our emotional needs will be satisfied by the programs they introduce to us.

The Affordable Care Act, for example.  There’s good and bad intertwined and the bottom line in all of it is usurption of power by the government over its people.  The proponents glorify the benefits, the opponents magnify the flaws, but the whole of the matter goes unnoticed because of the rancor and debate within its fabric. Much like the analogy of not seeing the forrest for the trees.

And all of this rancor and debate is by design of the higher-ups in power.  They know that this is the only way by which they will be able to overcome the strength of the American Federation.

Dissention within the ranks is the tool of the adversary, it is the poison used to demoralize and corrupt the innocence of humanity and the cancerous tumor that is growing without bounds in this  nation.

And Barack Obama has been used by a powerful opposing force to bring about this very destruction from within.  And he is doing it callously and with meticulous precision at every turn.  Sandy Hook, the chemical spill in West Virginia, the oil spill in the Gulf.  He truly is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and the Fabian Socialists coat of arms bears a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  You can see it for yourself if you to the research.

…more to come.

In the nineteen fivties there was a CIA





Daniel Johnston

29 03 2011

DanDaniel Johnston is one of my favorite artists.  If you’re unfamiliar with his work, to see one of his drawings or listen to one of his recordings you likely wouldn’t be terribly impressed.  But after hearing more of his work it becomes apparent that Daniel Johnston is an inspired visionary.  He is not the best performer in comparison to some more accomplished artists but if you have an understanding of what Daniel Johnston is about and what he lives for, his performances take on a whole new meaning.

Art and music flow from Daniel like water down the Nile.  He is unstoppable and it is as though he can’t help but create music and art.  He has many recurring themes throughout his art, mostly of battles between good and evil and the same themes run through his songs.  Much of what he sings about has to do with his affection for a never gotten love interest named Lori.   He met her in his youth and followed her with a video camera as his way of worshiping and admiring her.  He did get her to say, “I love you Danny” but that was only to satisfy him and she eventually went on to marry an undertaker who he used as the subject of many songs.

His mother would lecture him endlessly about his slothfulness and call him an unprofitable servant of the Lord (he would call himself an unserviceable prophet) as he spent all of his time drawing, writing and recording.  Daniel grew up with faith in his religion and a profound fear of hell and damnation.  He spoke often of Satan and the torment of the devil in his songs and in his conversations and lived in fear of losing his soul.  One therapist said about Daniel, after analyzing his drawings, that he is surely going to heaven because it’s obvious he has already been to hell.

Daniel finally realized one of his life long dreams by accident when MTV profiled the Austin music scene in the mid eighties.  Dan worked his way in front of the cameras, was interviewed and eventually given a spot live on MTV performing his songs.  The world was finally introduced to Daniel Johnston and his career began to bloom. But Daniel perceived the experience as a dichotomy or paradox in that MTV was serving the devil but there he was on MTV, just like he said he would as a kid.

When Dan was still pretty young he began to develop bi-polar disorder which became so severe he spent a lot of time in and out of many mental institutions.  He changed suddenly from a happy and care free young boy to a troubled and self loathing youth.

When he was in New York City spending time with the members of Sonic Youth he had a severe episode and was again sent to a mental facility.  He was accidentally released on a clerical error and found himself at CBGB that evening and opened up for the LA band fIREHOSE.

Daniel Johnston had many extreme episodes of mania where he would essentially lose touch with reality.  One time he was in his father’s private airplane, his father piloting and he turned the engine off and threw the keys out the window.  The airplane crash landed in the trees and both were uninjured.  Another time he whacked his manager over the head with a lead pipe three times.  Daniel has been quoted as saying, “I whammed him, I whammed him good“.  After these episodes he again found himself committed to mental institutions where he realized the horror of what he had done.

As Dan got older and into his forties he went back to living with his parents, taking his meds and focusing on writing and playing music.  Dan tours the world and elsewhere performing his music to the delight of devoted fans.  Sometimes his shows are sub-par and sometimes they are purely brilliant.  True fans love his performances either way.

God bless Daniel Johnston.  The poor man has been tormented all of his life and he has produced some amazing art and beautiful songs.  Over 400 artists have covered his music including Beck, fIREHOSE, Sonic Youth, Death Cab for Cutie, Tom Waits, David Bowie, Built to Spill and Pearl Jam.

Daniel’s life has been chronicled in the movie “The Devil and Daniel Johnston“.  It spans over twenty years of Daniel’s life as he had recorded most of his life on video and audio tape.  Learn more about Daniel Johnston at his fan site rejectedunknown.com

(some images used without permission of the artist)





Stop throwing rocks!

4 02 2011

I’m just a dumb American sitting in my dumb lazy chair clicking through the TV channels and judging the rest of the world’s affairs, raising my blood pressure, working on a heart attack and doing my best to trigger the cancer my genes are supposed to kill me with, stuffing myself with GMO food, helping to evolve my progeny into the destruction of this lovely mother planet of ours. What do I know, right? I’m the problem! I’m the Zionist fool who justifies the rightful owners of this world to rise up in rebellion against our progress and fanciful dreams of comfort and lavish living!

Nonsense I say! And George Soros, you need to shut the hell up. Open society, schmopen schmesiety!

I couldn’t NOT say something here about what’s going on in Egypt after reading Soros’s column in the Washington Post, blaming Israel again for the unrest in the Middle East. That’s like saying the uprising in the inner cities of America in the seventies and eighties was a result of white authoritarian government policy designing and pumping crack cocaine into the fabric to keep them in their place in hopes that some genocidal civll war within that community would rid us of the issue altogether. Yeah, people actually believe that stuff!

Regardless of all the atrocities perpetuated by either side of the Israel/Palestine conflict, the reality here is that Muslim or Islamist ideology, the factions, the movements of ideology against Zionism and toward Muslim rule have got to be put in check. There is no place for it in this world.

Whether you agree with Zionism or think it’s a bunch of kooky mythology or whatever you believe Zionism means, don’t listen to the Muslim Brotherhood, and certainly don’t listen to the Islamist radicals and what they would tell you it means. They have a convoluted perception of EVERYTHING that goes on in this world. It astounds me that anyone would give sympathy to their cause (there is a difference between empathy and sympathy). When people sympathize with them, it feeds them to rise up and destroy what peace is already hanging by a thread. They are nothing more than a powder keg of malcontentious hatemongers looking for a reason to destroy any peaceful progress this world makes. They lack the ability to progress or prosper; to grow, to mend, to heal, to love, to nurture. All they know is destruction, anger, war, hatred and conflict. They want nothing more than to dominate those around them. They want to dominate women, children, any free thinking or creative energy that is produced anywhere; they create reasons to oppose it. And they don’t speak in reason, they speak in rhetoric. Their leaders will not answer questions, they will not address issues, they will only point fingers, spotlight anything they can find to be a seed of conflict and make it their cause.

And the worst part about this is that bleeding hearts around the world, as well intentioned as they are, fall for this rhetoric as easily as a moth flies into the flame of a candle and is burned to a crisp. Why? Because the foundation the bleeding hearts of this world have supported themselves on has always been from the causes of victims. And who are the biggest victims in this world? The people who cry the loudest. They blame everything that is happening around them and take no responsibility for what is happening within them. Because we are all responsible for what we create and it is up to us to take control and make things right if we stand in opposition of our environment.  That’s what living is all about! Fighting battles out of anger and revenge are not solutions. Fighting battles to stop a greater destruction than the one you are creating by getting into battle can be justified. But these malcontents don’t look for solutions, they look to destroy and create havoc around them because they know nothing else. They create their world of what they know, of what they believe, of what they feel. It is their reality and they believe it so strongly and their influence is felt by all bleeding hearts who, while they are well meaning, are founded on false principles.

There are many cliches and parables to describe what I mean. When you have nothing to stand for, you’ll fall for anything. If you don’t have a solid balance of spirit, mind and body then when things get dicey the lowest common denominator is conflict, and that’s where it ends up most times with groups who are on shaky foundation built on disagreement, victimism and rhetoric.

A man who builds his house on a foundation of sand, when the storms and tempests come, he loses his house, and all that he has built up, because the foundation never was solid. The sand is false principles. While well meaning and attractive in appearance, it supports structures while there is no opposition eroding it and it seem to do a fine job supporting everything built on top. But when real issues arise, that foundation cannot support against the eroding waves, stormy weather and earthquakes that concrete, rebar and steel can withstand.

Do I need to continue? This is just peeling back a small corner of the patch that covers the truth of what is happening in this world. You can ‘yeah, but’ all you want. I’m right. If you don’t like it I welcome your retort. That’s what makes America great. We can debate without it eroding into a fight. That’s what progress and education does for a society. Open minds can grow and breathe. Change can happen when people embrace knowledge and understanding instead of standing on false principles that result in discomfort, strife and do nothing more than support you in feeling angry and opposed to something.  But if you do want to debate, please don’t make me repeat myself.  I’ve said a lot in here.  If I have to repeat myself to argue with you then you’re not paying attention.

Stand for what you believe in, nurture it and spread that truth to make the world a better place. If it leads you to argument and conflict with others then you’ve found yourself at a dead end and you need to back up and find out where you got off course.





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





Addicts turn to AIDS medication to get high

2 07 2008

There are a lot of screwed up places on this big ol’ crazy planet of ours but nothing is as nuts as the continent of Africa. What is wrong with those people?? They can’t govern for shit, they’re killing each other over diamonds, drugs, and who knows what other ethno-religious reason they come up with. It seems like they’ll do anything to fuck up their lives. What a paradox. The most amazing natural beauty on the planet and the most barbaric chaos known to mankind.

I found this article at Breitbart.com. People are completely out of their minds!

Reposted from Breitbart.com

2 01:07 PM US/Eastern

South African AIDS patients in Durban are under siege from drug addicts who rob them of their antiretroviral treatment to get high, the provincial health department said Wednesday.

The life prolonging drug Stocrin, one of the antiretroviral drugs used to fight AIDS, is reportedly crushed and mixed with marijuana and sold in the townships around the coastal city.

The health department has warned that the trend could spark shortages in the city’s hospitals and health centres, in one of the provinces worst afflicted by the AIDS pandemic.

“This practice is disturbing, a large number of HIV patients depend on the state sponsored treatment to stay healthy,” spokesman Leon Mbangwa told AFP.

The department dismissed media reports that health workers at certain hospitals were involved in selling HIV drugs to criminal rings, who then target patients when nurses cannot keep up with the demand.

“All medication is kept in the hospital pharmacy and only certain levels of nurses have access to it,” said Mbangwa.

Patients collecting medication at the Prince Mshiyeni Memorial Hospital in Umlazi, south of Durban have complained of being ambushed by criminals on their way home.

Others have had their home ransacked by thugs looking for the lifesaving drugs.

“The concoction of Stocrin and dagga (marijuana) is very dangerous and eventually leads to death. The drug mixture breaks down the immune system and reduces the resistance of the body,” said Anwar Jeewa, director of the Minds Alive rehabilitation centre.

South Africa has the highest number of HIV sufferers in the world with around 5.5 million of the 47 million population affected by the virus, and the world’s biggest ARV programme with more than 478,000 people registered for treatment.








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