Why I Went To Rehab And Then Did Not

19 03 2014

duckbottleSo I’ve struggled with something they call addiction most of my life.  It’s a monkey I carry around with me and sometimes having a monkey around isn’t really all that bad.  Monkeys can be a lot of fun but they’re mischievous little buggers.  You just have to make sure to keep grinding the Organ to keep them happy and feed them peanuts once in a while.

And I got tired of feeding the monkey, taming that  little bastard and keeping him at bay.

Click here to see how I felt –> Wiped Out!

So, I decided that after a seven year binge of escapism and figuring out what this crazy world is all about, what it all means, where I fit in and where I need to go to take my place in the Plan, I decided to clean up and go to rehab.

I went to rehab because I was done checking out of reality.  I checked out because of the unimaginable pain that I went through having had my family taken from me, and then making some mistakes because of my fragile emotional state, with Erica, falling so in love with such a beautiful woman, such a lovely person.  I will never stop loving her.  She is incredible and taught me so much about myself and about life and gave me Max; that precious angel from heaven.

But she has moved on and she and Max are being well taken care of, and I am so blessed to know, to have the comfort that all is well with them.  Because I was beaten down and broken and tossed out with the trash when I found myself in need.  But those who did it to me didn’t know what they were doing.  They didn’t understand where I was coming from or who I was or what my true potential was.

This life sometimes plays out as a fantasy, and so many people imagine their future dreams as nothing more than unachievable fantasies and then they accept the shortcomings and mediocrity they are given as a consequence of their lack of faith and perseverance.

And I don’t say that because I think people are weak or bad or that they don’t have integrity or that their worth is not great.  It’s just that so many of us have such big dreams, but we are beaten down by the distractions of this world that we forget about our big dreams, so we live our broken dreams and accept the little pieces we can pick up as we move on, living in hindsight, trying to somehow relive the past by projecting it on the future and in so doing we often times find ourselves on a course we didn’t mean to embark upon.

But there we are, so we walk that course, and are somewhat lost, but accept the mediocrity we have created having not achieved our broken dreams.

But not me.  And I went to rehab to prove to everyone that I was, once and for all, done with the bullcrap.

But I chose a particular rehab center called Renaissance Ranch in Utah County.  This rehab purports to be associated with the LDS church.  And I’ve been to the LDS church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) and I’ve also been to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).  I hate AA because it’s nothing more than a bunch of alcoholics who have quit drinking but can’t shake the monkey of addiction so they have replaced their alcohol and drug abuse with those meetings, and in the meetings they tell war stories of their battles when they were out their using and abusing.  And each story is nothing more than a glory-days walk through the past to remember how horrible and debaucherous their lives once were.

That’s not recovery, that’s living in the past.

So when I was sold this $16,000, 60 day Renaissance Ranch package it sounded like a great alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous oriented drug and alcohol rehabilitation.  I thought we would have access to doctors and counselors; professionals who understood where we were coming from and where we were headed, who understood that we needed healing, real healing and not a band-aid approach to pacifying the monkey, rather killing the monkey and getting rid of him for good.

And they said they did it all under the guise of LDS principles, using the healing of the Atonement of Christ and following the teachings of the gospel.

But when I got there it was nothing like that.  It was a bunch of petulant young guys who were full of anger and who did nothing more than point their fingers at each other, call each other out for the things they found wrong with one another, and then turned on themselves to tell the group why they were so screwed up.  There was no talk of healing, there was no talk of the principles of the Atonement of Christ.  Once in a while there would be a prayer and once in a while one of the counselors might refer to the scriptures for reference to a teaching.  But there was nothing close to feeling the Holy Spirit in that place.  It was cold and dank, void of the spirit, void of love.  It was full of ego and self importance, full of a bunch of guys who thought they had all the answers for everyone else but no answers for how to manage their own personal selves.

So after three days, in a group meeting after they called me out one time too many I finally opened up and told them that the whole thing was a sham.  That I was sick of the vulgarity, sick of not hearing any gospel teachings as I was sold on, sick of hearing everyone point fingers at each other and sick of these people not having a freaking clue what it takes to truly heal a broken soul.

Band-aid approaches, and you know why?  It’s a bunch of owners and administrators who are self-righteous know-it-alls using their memberships in the LDS church to attract LDS people who have addiction problems to make money under the guise of addiction recovery.  And they’re a bunch of charlatans, just like our doctors, our pill pushing pharmaceutical industry, our politicians, it’s all a ploy to line their pockets, to support their families and while they do some good, their hearts are in it only for themselves and not for the individuals.  They claim to love the individuals and while they may show care toward them, they don’t really.  They just want them to be part of the flock of sheep, part of the group, to fit the marching orders of the category in which they are classified.

And I don’t put up with that crap so I split.  And my family is livid with me.  But I have to do what I have to do because I know what I’m doing and I always have and I’m sick to death of being told what I should be doing and how I should be doing it because those who tell me those things are the ones who have mocked me, put me down, picked on me and treated me like I don’t matter when they have no understanding of the great things I do that they never ever see or care to know about.

And I’m not angry, I’m just fed up.  Like when Christ cleansed the temple.  He wasn’t angry, he was just done with all the nonsense and petulance and did what He had to do because His Father told him to.

I’m Vaughn Hocksworth Brown and I approve this message.

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