Rhymeage

28 12 2010

The universal song inside us

There’s a hole in my shoe but I don’t care
It don’t matter much to me what’s down there
Around my feet or on the ground
‘Cause I listen what’s above me for that sound
I’m searching for, it’s plain to see
And when I hear it right it’s gonna speak to me
From a place in time I do not know
The song that comes into my soul
Is what I am and who I love
Connecting to my life force from above

The universal song inside us
All together must unite us
Harmony will set us free
And rock the ages soulfully

It’s that cosmic tune that plays the band
Just let it flow right through your hand
There ain’t no fear in honesty and what is true
Everything created here is just for you
Come on climb aboard the magic carpet ride
And if it gets a little weird step inside
We’ll keep you cool and then we’ll get on down
To anything that touches you within the sound
You’ll wake up safe at home again when it’s all through
Singing that new song, it’s a part of you

Escape

Woke early this morning, my dreams they just amaze me
Feeling kind of cruel and I’m feeling kind of lazy
The snow is falling hard and I’m going stir crazy
Looking for myself while I’m fighting off the enemy

He told me
Come through my door
I know you want more
Forget what you know
It doesn’t matter below

Running from my demons they always get that best of me
Tie me up and burn me down and hang me from the tallest tree
Leave me feeling all alone and leave me feeling angry
The choice is mine there ain’t no way I’m gonna let them beat me

He told me
Here’s another clue
It’s old and it’s new
It’s all about you
No matter what you do

I know what’s right there ain’t no way I’m gonna let you fool me
I’ve been around the block with you a time or two and now I see
There’s nothing new that you can give, it’s all right here in front of me
All I need from day to day is truth and soul to set me free

He told me
No man you’re wrong
You’re not that strong
And while I’m gone
I’m gonna leave you this song

Sober

I’m sick again, it’s been a while
I know there is a cure
But I don’t want to hide away
The pain of life is sure

Keep it far away from me
The soothing soulful bliss
That calls for me on days like these
And kills me with a kiss

Twelve steps are never quite enough
To keep me clean and pure
A burning hot desire is
The secret to endure

So one day more is all I need
Tomorrow surely knows
I have the tools I need to win
My action surely shows

Everything is what it is

Slamarama mama jama
Give me back my panorama
Do me now in Texarkana
Driving blind into Montana

Everything is what it is
And what I do is my own biz
‘Cause what you are is what you is
That winding road lead to this

Funkadelic old time relic
Captain mustache, Tom Sellick
Tuck me back into my shell it
Comes to me in time to sell it

Everything is what it is
And what you do is your own biz
Don’t sell your soul to find the wiz
The winding road leads to this

Number seven made in heaven
Interruption nine eleven
On my honor all for you then
Come to me my perfect ten

Everything is what it is
And what we do, my lovely miss
Will take us home on through the mist
The winding road leads to this

The Subway Bandit

The Subway Bandit is a friend of mine
I met him on the inside doing time
His criminal nickname prompted the rhyme
That I made into this song I’m singing line for line

Stickin’ up sandwich shops in SLC
Taking their dough and runnin’ free
By then he started showing up on TV
And now he’s sitting here in jail next to me

What would your mama say if she knew
You made a name for yourself just like this dude
By robbin’ and stealin’ and breakin’ the rules
Then sitting in the pokey wearin’ slip on shoes

So don’t do it man, ‘cause it ain’t no fun
Even if you get away with it you’re still on the run
When you least expect it, that’s when they come
And you find yourself staring down the barrel of a gun

Rhythm of my soul

Born with a drumbeat in my heart
It’s been there right from the start
Soulful rhythm from above
Keeping time with what I love
Syncopated melodies
Here to accompany
Each and every step in time
And everything I make mine

Now I wish she was still there
To run her fingers through my hair
But that pretty woman, she is gone
And now she’s just part of this song
A tragic twelve bar memory
Still keeping rhythm with what’s inside of me
She’ll always rock my heart to sleep
And roll the memories of what I keep

Always in time with what I love
Bringing rhythm from above
It beats inside me like a drum
Getting back to where I’m from
With all my friends by my side
It’s been a long and funky ride
Don’t ever want it to slow down
‘Cause I can’t sit still and I can’t stand around

******

Yeah, I wrote this stuff whatever it means.

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One

27 12 2010





Damn these eyedrops!

22 12 2010

It is reported that Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt has glued his eye shut. You can read the report –> here

If this guy hadn’t been married to the mad Hungarian cop slapper it wouldn’t have even been reported. But I’m glad it got reported, because I get to blog about it and it made me laugh.

I remember my former sister-in-law accidentally using some sort of moisturizer or hair product one night to soak her contacts. I remember laughing about that one and thinking how many times that could have been me. But holding up a bottle of nail glue and dropping it straight into your eye; that’s gotta sting a little!

This poor guy. I can just see it. The drop hit, he blinked a time or two and then whammo! The pain, the eyelids sticking together, the involuntary tears streaming, the cursing, his fingers rubbing his eyes making it worse…the comedy of it all! I wish I had a camera rolling on the moment.

The news report concludes by telling us that Zsa Zsa has been in and out of the hospital since breaking her hip. Because really, come on, the story isn’t about Prince Fredric von Anhalt’s mishap, it’s about Zsa Zsa Gabor, whose husband glued his eye shut. That’s comedy gold!

(image altered and used without permission)





That old familiar unknown demon

21 12 2010

Keep in mind as you read this that I wrote it at the lowest of lows in my life, but it was honest at the time I wrote it.  Life is not this gloomy for me, but there is much truth to how I express myself in this post.

I have spent the better part of my life succeeding at mediocrity. There have been times when I have been a part of something great but never anything I’ve done on my own. I’m not sure why that is. I see other people going for their dreams and making things work, I’m missing something, that’s for sure.

I’m one of the most self-sabotaging people to have ever walked the face of this earth. I have great ideas, wonderful plans, a great big giant heart full of love, and I just wind up pulling the trigger while I’m staring down the barrel of the gun. I have some sort of character flaw, a defect, a loose screw or something wrong somewhere inside me because I am so prone to order turning to chaos around me. It’s like I attract it. Wherever I go, it’s like a bomb gets dropped and I’m standing there waving to everyone, wondering why they’re pissed off that a bomb just exploded, disrupting their otherwise orderly lives.

Therapy! That’s what I need, I need some professional mind bender to sit and listen to me carry on and on about all the things that plague me about my life. I’m not sure what that will do but I certainly could use an objective ear to lay out everything that’s on my mind, it’s swirling around in my head like a storm with waves crashing down on my thoughts and sinking my ability to progress.

Words used to flow from my mind clearly and smoothly like a river running down a mountain canyon, but now I feel like I can hardly put two thoughts together before I forget where I’m going and get stuck. All I can do is keep moving forward one step at a time, even if it’s just literally walking one step at a time. Something has got to give some time. The people in my life have an impossible time understanding what makes me tick or what motivates me, they’re at their wit’s end with me and don’t have the energy to even invite me into their lives anymore. I’m sure they miss the old me, and so do I.

The downward spiral all started when my marriage fell apart. I really haven’t been able to put myself back together since that happened. I surely could have done things differently, but I took the path of least resistance because I am someone who tries to stay away from conflict. That might sound very contrary to some who have lived with me in the past because I used to be very confrontational at times, but that’s another part of my mental disorder. I like to keep things peaceful, but I would point out everything that I felt was out of order around me. I don’t do that any more, I used to be that way. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m so lost is because I have let go of the control I used to require to keep myself feeling right about life.

Being so controlling is tiresome work, and it hurts the ones you love. I learned the hard way to let things be as they are. I’m learning still every day and I’m full of flaws but the one thing that plagued me, that just ate me up inside at those times of quiet when it was just me and my thoughts, was my quick temper, my quick reaction, the intimidating sound of my voice that I would use to keep the kids in check, I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of ever being that person.

I learned that in my home growing up, but I knew better. For some reason I carried it on right into my marriage. It is the very reason I screwed up so many relationships and why I was single until I was close to 30 years old. Then my poor wife had all of my pent up frustration and anger to deal with, and I laid it right on her. Everything she did that I thought was odd or quirky or weird I pointed out. And she wasn’t just some regular woman either. She had come from a big family with an abusive father and a passive mother in a relatively small town where everyone put on the facade of perfection and kept the troubles bubbling just below the surface so she had one mode in public, then at home it was fear and intimidation and sneaking around, keeping secrets so you didn’t get yelled at or made the target.

Then once we got married that’s exactly how I made her feel all over again. I didn’t know I was doing it, she didn’t know I was going to do it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was just going through life trying to be a husband and a father to two young girls, earn a living and I just went from day to day trying to survive. I had better times but for the most part my frustration was always boiling over in some way or another. My wife and the two girls basically feared me because they never knew when I was going to be angry. If I could have just been patient and been nice, things would have been fine. That’s all, just patient, allowing things to take place as they do, think through before reacting, being kind, the things I’ve learned the hard way since the divorce. Now I can’t go back and apply them because I’ve fallen so far backwards into whatever my life has become that I’m stuck here floundering and wondering if this is punishment or just opposition to something I’m supposed to learn from.

It’s easy to say I’m confused, I’ve always been confused about things. I’ve always had conflicting thought patterns running through my head, always, all my life. When I talk about how things were in my childhood my parents cringe and they don’t react well to me expressing the unpleasant memories I hold inside me. I want them to be happy with me but the truth is that they really just want me not to be any trouble. They don’t really feel a sense of pride in anything I do or who I am, they just want me not to be a screw up. That’s the funny thing, being told all my life I’m so full of potential and talent and being treated like everything I’m doing is wrong. It gives a person a huge inferiority complex and that is what I deal with every day.

I have a real problem with my self worth, self esteem. I know I have a bunch of talents but there are people out there who can do things better than me, so why am I even necessary? That’s the sort of twisted thought process that goes on in my head. When I want something I can make it happen, but when it comes to fitting in, that’s not something I’ve ever done very well. I don’t fit in, I stand out. And that’s something I don’t understand. I try to blend, but I stand out, I always have.

So here I sit at age 45 feeling like a child, full of guilt and second guessing everything I have ever done, wallowing in the failures that I have endured throughout my life, but still wanting something better. Why do people think I have anything to offer, why do people think I have something great or anything of any significance? I guess I’ve just run myself down, maybe this is what they call a nervous breakdown. The truth is that there is this nucleus burning hot at the core of my soul that is made of the pure essence of loss. Maybe I’m just weak, maybe I don’t have the backbone to survive what life throws my way, but I just can not get past the divorce.

It’s not losing my wife that has me feeling so sad, it’s the failure of the family that kills me. The one thing that is central to this life, most important above anything else, I wanted to be a protector and provider for my family and when it fell apart I didn’t know how to go on, I didn’t know how to play my role anymore. I didn’t have a purpose anymore. The single man that I once was had evolved and could not go back, but when I did I didn’t know how to do it, and I did what I remembered doing at the age I was when I was single before. And I made the same choices, as if I were in my twenties again. I just can’t get over the fact that I’m not living under the same roof with my children. Sure, I could have made time, made the sacrifices and done the regular split-family thing and taken them when it was my time, back and forth, and I did that for years but it just was not the same. The poor children had a broken family, a broken home, it wasn’t fair to them to have to live this way, I just felt it was so wrong deep to my core, it’s so wrong and just does not sit well with me.

I think that is my main problem, I just feel like my family is so screwed up and I’m responsible for it but it’s out of my control and I have let it get out of control and because I let it go it crushed my heart and all I could do to survive day to day was to numb the pain with medicine.

People have a broken bone, they get medication to ease the pain. It’s obvious, it’s right there in front of them, you can see it in an x-ray. I suppose I could just go through life with the pain bothering me every day, gnawing at me and distracting me, but I was so overwhelmed by it that I had to do something to ease the pain. People don’t understand, it’s not something that can be measured, it’s not something that can be found in an MRI, or x-ray, but it’s as real as a tooth ache or torn ligament. But because I have this handsome appearance and I have a physically strong body and I can be charming and intelligent when I have to, people have expectations for me, and I have set expectations of myself. But on the inside I’m broken, twisted and hurting, confusion is my middle name and I feel like maybe I should be put in an institution for a mental reboot. The people in my life have no idea how to help me, nor do I have any idea how they could help me because I don’t know what I need. I do know what I want but my life is in such disarray that going for the things I want just seem to be out of focus, obscured by clouds.

I kept it together for years as a corporate IT slave, well I say slave but the truth is that I am very grateful for the years I had working and earning that money to support my family. But they let me go because my life is too complicated for me to fit in the way I need to to make the corporate ship sail on calm seas. My life became completely out of control and everyone around me could see it happening. Of course I tried hard to keep it together, to make it seem like I was just going through a mid-life crisis, excusing my immature behavior or indulgence with younger women by joking and saying I was following in my father’s footsteps as he had divorced my mother and married a woman my age.

I want to be left alone to do as I please, sure that’s every man’s dream. But at the same time I want the approval and admiration of those I admire and love. I want to do something to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be noticed for doing it, but I want to give the world something great, that’s what’s boiling inside of me and has been since I was a kid. I guess sifting through all this confusion, writing all of this has brought me back to the place I once found myself a couple of months ago, where I am free to do as I please, to create my world and make things happen as I desire them.

I need to change some things, but those things that need to change are things I’m not sure of. That’s why I need the therapy. So I’m going to keep on writing, blogging, maybe I’ll write a book, I need to do something productive with my life if I can’t keep it together enough to hold down a job until my head gets fixed





The Hippies Ruined America (Pushed Us Over The Moral Cliff)

21 12 2010

One day the Viet Nam war was all over.

The soldiers began to come home and suddenly there was no more war movie on the news every night but there were some bad things going on when the vets came home. Our soldiers were portrayed as baby killers, rapists and murderers; when they were just kids sent to do a duty for their country.

These poor soldiers got thrown into this new war; a much different war than anything an American GI had ever known before. One out of four became addicted to heroine to ease the trauma and stress of this insane war. Many of these soldiers returned to the states with their heads completely scrambled.

These young men, who were the future of America, were traumatized and confused as to where they fit in, what their role was in society, what power they now had and how they had to tame the beast that was unleashed while they were fighting after they came back to the way life used to be. It didn’t work for them. It couldn’t work for them. It wasn’t like the other wars; where you would have your heroes and your treaties and your winners and losers.

The repercussions of this war were weaving their way through the fabric of our society and polarizing the nation. For the first time in our history, our soldiers came home from battle and were looked upon as the enemy by their own country. How could this have happened? Who spun this mess to destroy these young men’s lives like this?

It was the counter culture and their rebellion; the hippies.

They wanted to do something good, reform society; but what they did was carve a rift through this great nation and put youth against authority, government against academia and just like a cracked windshield, it spread out of control and in all directions, infecting people’s understanding of politics, ethics, and even religion.

By the time anyone was able to see what was happening, the damage had been done and this great country was beyond repair. The hippie counter culture cancer had begun to decay our nation. Their ideology was based on selfish principles, going against what has worked for so many years, causing strife and upheaval in people’s lives. They called it freedom. What it was in reality was bondage; bondage according to their dictates, their philosophies, influenced by mind altering drugs and so-called free love expression.

They brought us STDs and a sharp rise in illegitimate births under the umbrella of “free love”. They started the sexual revolution, which was nothing more than a proactive petition for irresponsible behavior free of consequences. The consequences were not immediate, but they came, and they have damaged our precious nation and its wholesome family values. Lost innocence was the result as these irresponsible youths pushed and clamored for attention from the media; and they got it. And when they got it they forced their opinions and ideas on the rest of us whether we wanted to partake in it or not. So we were fed their propaganda through any medium they could deliver to us.

They disguised their assault on America’s values as art and free speech. They did it with sensationalism, bumper stickers, sound bytes and protest chants. It was all about repetition and forcefully sinking their message into the minds of those who didn’t want to hear it. Symbols of their rebellious opposition to our former patriotism started showing up everywhere and become accepted as American culture. The hippies became fashionable. They used art as a way of spreading their doctrine. They assaulted the senses with photography, paintings, music, movies, magazines, signs, gatherings; anything they could do to get the masses to pay attention, just enough attention so that their poison could be introduced into the minds of the American people.

They wanted to convert everyone to their way of believing, but they were such hypocrites in their message of free thinking and individuality. These freaks created their own religion and worked just as hard as any cult to convert the masses to their way of thinking. And it continued to spread as the changing of the guard takes place from generation to generation, these unbound and revolutionary ideologues took over our curriculum, they homogenized things like, patriotism, failure and achievement and began to inject sexuality into every aspect of our culture and sex education into our schools in tandem with the sexual revolution.

This is what happened to America. They called it progressive, but what it really was, was taking the innocence from our children far too early in their lives and putting the focus of boy-girl relationships on sex rather than innocent puppy-love that used to be cute for kids to experience and awkwardly but safely enjoy.

Academia has been infected by the ideologues as they inject small bits at a time of their dogma into the regular main stream. A little here, a little there, until school principals are handing out condoms, Christmas is a bad word and the mere mention of discipline could result in the expulsion of a teacher. All the while kids are being taught how to properly pleasure themselves with the introduction of safe sex education, free of responsibility and free of consequence.

No longer is it OK to teach children that they have to draw a line at some point to protect themselves. Now they’re taught to toe that line and experiment to see what comes of their exploration.

Thanks to the counter culture revolution we have a major increase in unwed pregnancies, the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and the breakdown of the traditional family. First the poison is introduced, then it is tolerated, then it is accepted, and eventually it is embraced as a regular part of life.

The women’s liberation movement was a big part of that counter culture revolution too; Gloria Steinem and her feminist sisterhood. She introduced us to the title of Ms. in addition to Mr. and Mrs. While well meaning, she didn’t have her eye on the right mark and she lacked the proper vision and wisdom to speak for women of America. But, her message was enticing to many and they embraced the tenets of the Women’s Liberation Movement and they worked hard to equal themselves to men.

Change may have been necessary, but when it came, it was loaded with pit falls. The Women’s Liberation Movement exacerbated the issue of women against men and began to draw lines and create new rules and issues by which these disenfranchised women could identify them selves. The result of all of this so-called enlightenment was a rapid increase in divorce, latch-key kids came from this movement and step families became an accepted norm.

Previous to this our country had been built on the solid foundation of the family bond. There is something indestructible about a family united with purpose. There is wisdom in the years of the elderly passed down to the younger generations, there is strength in the bond of a committed family, there is power to create, to heal, to build up and to fortify when families are bound together. United we stand. Divided we fall. It is so true. And the interjection of these counter culture values began to erode the core of what made America great; the family.

And once the family structure begins to unravel, society as a whole is in danger of collapse. It is so simple to see that the family is the critical element to holding this great nation together, but something has infected our society and it is so cancerous and destructive now that we now we find ourselves in the midst of redefining the marriage covenant being between a man and a woman to being genderless. How far have we slipped from our core? How far have we come as a society to go from the grit and strength of a solid, tried and true, safe family structure to men marrying men being a constitutional issue?

The hippies rebelled against rules and regulations that were designed not to confine or imprison, but to help balance and manage our freedoms, to elicit individual responsibility. They disregarded their responsibilities for pleasure and introduced the consequences of their actions into the mainstream of our lives, and as they cascaded into our homes through every media outlet we all became familiar and comfortable with them.

They turned everything upside down and then as these hippie rebels aged and matured, they carried their philosophies into our governments, our schools and institutions and now this nation is infected with that cancerous hippie ideology and people can’t even see where we once were and where we are headed.

(image used without permission)





The Beatles are on iTunes!

10 12 2010

The  Beatles seem to make a come back every so often, and iTunes is this generation’s Beatles comeback.  So I decided to reprise the Beatles and rediscover them for the umpteenth time for this blog post.  The Beatles made an impact on my life when I was a child.  I don’t remember all the details but I do remember the way-out disconnectedness and psychedelia that sent my mind to unfamiliar places and even gave me nightmares with the experimental, boundary breaking A Day In The  Life.  That  song freaked me out and I loved it!

Strawberry fields, nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.  That’s what the Beatles are telling me right now.  They say it’s hard to be someone when you misunderstand what you see.  And in the Blue Jay Way they say, ‘Please don’t be long, please don’t you be very long.  Or I may be asleep’ over and over again but what I heard them saying to me as the song builds is ‘Please don’t belong’.  The Timothy Leary message comes through loud and clear.  LSD is a powerful drug and when used in making music the trip can certainly be sent through to the listener, especially when the listener is tripping too.  Those boys were tricky, but I don’t think they quite meant to do everything they did, they were just messing around.

When you set out to send a message to the masses you have to know that you’re actually going to get to some of them, and some minds will be blown.  And when you blow minds, you’re no longer just another person; you’re an icon for breaking some new ground.  The Beatles surely blew minds, and people followed them like lemmings, putting meaning to the artists’ lyrics and music wherever they would fit conveniently into their lives to provide a sense of belonging to the movement.  Charlie Manson and company unfortunately used Helter Skelter and Piggies as marching orders for their madness.  Would Charlie’s death guild have come to pass if the Beatles had not recorded those tracks?  It’s a question to be asked, but impossible to answer correctly.

The Beatles were victims themselves to the LSD trap, and that screwed them.  Sure it opened windows to new ideas and broke them free from the sappy love songs that brought them pop stardom and helped propel them to greater heights, but just like every burnout hippie, they found out that LSD takes you down mysterious and tricky paths that all lead to dead ends.  No mortal is powerful enough to tame that beast, but while they were there, they wired it for sound with the technology of the time and gave us The Magical Mystery Tour.

The introspection of the trips and the way they turned their insights back on one another changed the pop hit makers into studio trippers experimenting with sound pushing the evolution of music to new extremes.  By the time they recorded Abbey Road and Let it Be, they were done, grizzled old men ready to walk away from it all, but at that same time they were perfectly ripe with brilliance and genius dripping from their finger tips and with the new sound it was just too much and too good to be able  to carry on.

If only they could have come together and kept it together for a few more albums with the new studio and let John be John and Yoko and let the Beatles evolve we would have surely had some majestically mature Beatles recordings with the wisdom of experience, but all of that energy was too much to handle and it pulled them apart.  And when it came apart we got Paul McCartney, the solo artist.  If only John Lennon were still around to keep him in check.  John’s tormented soul was rock and roll; Paul was just a song writer who smoked pot.  Wings was OK and rocked a little bit but that was in the 70s so he got away with it.  Much of music in the 70s sucked, especially in the early 70s.  And Paul was there, sucking at the forefront.

It would be nice if the kids today could understand, if it were possible, what the Beatles did for music, to kick rock and roll up a notch or two and completely tweak all possibilities.  Listen to ‘Rock and Roll Music’ then ‘I’ll Follow the Sun’ followed up with ‘Mr. Moonlight’.  Sure, they took the lead from artists like Chuck Berry and Little Richard, but they brought their own irreverent rock and roll attitudes to us and even did their own weird brand of children’s music at times.  And they took it to the studio and, for the first time, recorded more than four tracks, they threw in recordings from home, playing them backwards and inside-out, creating layers that had never been thought of before, they even used synthesizers, and that broke open a new psychedelic music explosion that flipped the early 70s on its head and completely changed the direction music would take.  Everything was on tape in those days; digital was not a word at that time.  Check out ‘Revolution 9’.  They actually had to work to get it right.  And they did things like the intro to ‘Honey Pie’.

The Beatles were pop music and happy good times but that turned dark and twisted, they were tripped out, sometimes they wrote for children like with Yellow Submarine but then that  listening child was sent on a trip to new discoveries with ‘Hey Bulldog’ and ‘It’s All Too Much’ and then were brought back to that happy, safe place with ‘All You Need Is Love’ and ‘Pepperland’.  They connected to everyone on some level because they worked to create music as art and not just to write love songs and make hits.  They showed us that we can do whatever we want to do when it comes to creating music, because it’s what we feel.  Just listen to ‘Dig a Pony’, ‘I Me Mine’ or ‘For You Blue’.  If we can express it through our instruments and then lay it down in some sort of order, track after track with our technology, we must thank the Beatles for what they did before we came around.

(image altered and used without permission)








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