All Amazed!

28 07 2010

I’ve been to hell and back. I’m so grateful for every little thing right now. It seems that my whole life I have lived with some sort of anxiety engine running in my chest producing worry and doubt to constantly sabotage any chance of lasting success or happiness. It’s gone.

Where did it go? What happened? How is it possible that this negative force that has kept me so enslaved to worry and fear can just be gone from my life? It didn’t just go away, it was a process. It was agonizing and painful and it was the most intense soul searching self discovery that can be imagined. But for any great triumph to take place there must be trials, obstacles and great opposition to overcome. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it cost me my life.

There will be more detailed expositions of my story in other forms but for now I’ll keep it short.

Anger will destroy a man quicker than a bullet to the brain. I let the bitterness and anger of the divorce experience overcome me and drag me down with chains into the despair of hell. I was hopeless and suicidal and had abandoned all regard for myself and what I cared about. The only reason I did not take my own life is because I have children that I could not give that experience to.

[BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD]

I found myself completely alone in a dark and dreary world void of purpose or direction. I sought comfort from things that only satisfied immediate desires. Nothing lasted. Nothing mattered. Nothing was real anymore. I existed as a persona on the Internet and as a shell of what I once was in the business world. I could barely muster up enough energy to get through a day at the office and would rarely give any sort of effort other than just to get through the next thirty seconds. I lived like this for well over a year. It was dank, dark and a scary time although while I was going through it I told myself I had a grip on things and that I was doing OK.

I was addicted to drugs. Dextromethorphan was the queen mother of them all. Marijuana and alcohol were frequent companions and occasionally mushrooms, cocaine or LSD to send things into overdrive. All of these things were done in combination, of course to maximize the effects and to disassociate myself to the ultimate degree from the bitter lonliness that stirred in my angry and broken heart.

Deep down we all need something greater than ourselves to identify with. Even if we are unaware of our yearnings or that we are searching, and grasping, we are making connections. Music is something I have always found consolation in. It provides me with a connection beyond myself, a connection with the vibrations that are up there and out there.

Now I’m starting to sound like a spaced out fruit cake, but that’s what music is. Music and sound are vibrations that resonate with the powers that control our world and the universe and everything that exists. Music has a powerful effect on everything around us and most especially, music has an effect on what goes on within us.

Below are the lyrics to an amazing and beautiful song by an artist named John Frusciante. This song relates much of what I feel.

I’ve got a million to choose from
A million ways things could be
In dull moments I feel like
There’s a million options I see
The trouble is choosing one
The trouble is doing one
A slave in the fields one night
He’s running along
Gets far enough to be a free man
And he’s feeling so strong
That’s how actions should be
Freeing
Step after step is our only choice in a walk
When we run at the mouth we jump back and forth
There’s only one place I’m going
There’s only one destiny
And if my mind tells me otherwise
Then it’s a poor guide for me
All of the energy in life
Is nothing more than a spark in a fire
The whole course of time is the blink of an eye
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into the cards
Ahm Yum
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into another world
Ahm Yum

…to be continued //








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