Where has accountability gone?

I don’t normally like to post news items as blog posts but this one got me fired up.  This issue of homosexuality is a sensitive one.  If any of you have read most of my blog you know my opinions.  If you have skimmed and not taken the time to actually understand my position you might think I’m a bigot.  That is fine with me, I am not a bigot and I don’t have animosity or hatred toward any individual.

I have problems with many prevailing philosophies, dogmas and tenets.

There is nothing wrong with standing on our principles.  We all need to stand up for what we believe.  Too many people today trade their values for the clamoring and whining of the weak, who fail to stand on any firm foundation.  They give in because of emotion, sensitivity and sympathy.  Empathy is a virtue we should all live by, but sympathizing with causes in contrast with our core values is destructive to our being.  There is a critical difference between empathy and sympathy.  Ignorance and lack of understanding lead people down paths of confusion and this is happening in the halls of academia more and more; at the elite universities that were once standards of greatness.

It has become very trite and cliche, but it is true that if we stand for nothing we will fall for anything.  United we stand; divided we fall; and how much proactive divisiveness do we see going on today?

The principles and philosophies that this nation were founded upon are as solid today as they were back then.  The problem is not the principles but the misunderstanding and misinterpretation of them by people today who allow their emotions to interfere with reason.

On to the new item that started this outburst.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110420/ap_on_re_us/us_rutgers_suicide

You can’t punish one person for the choices another person makes!  That’s just not right.  The news story reports that, in short, a Rutgers student who was an aspiring violinist had a gay trist with another man in his dorm room and the roommate caught it on a webcam.  According to the article it was a make-out session.

For anyone to believe that THIS one incident alone is what caused this young man to kill himself is completely short sighted.  This certainly was a catalyst, but was merely one piece of a much larger  puzzle that made up his life.  It doesn’t make sense to charge the roommate for the end result, an individual choice that another person made.  If you do that you have to go back throughout his life to all of the other factors and give them attention and blame as well.

If what was caught on camera was so shameful, that is an issue for the victim, not the roommate.   If we have private behaviors that we feel we must keep hidden from society then we are solely responsible for the humiliation we feel.  If we believe in what we are doing then we should stand tall in our beliefs, regardless of what society tells us.  If our actions are illegal or unethical or immoral then we will be judged for them, but again, if we believe in what we do we should stand tall in the face of ridicule.

Rutgers is way out of line. They brought Snookie in as a guest speaker and they’re punishing a kid for video taping his roommate?  There’s nothing illegal or unethical about rolling film in your own house.

We all know that this is an issue because it has to do with homosexuality.  If the victim had been making out with a fat chick (no offense to the overweight, but this is a valid argument) and then killed himself for shame it would have been observed as something out of kilter with his psychology due to HIS own choice.

I’m getting so tired of the over-sensitivity in this country. Pussification!! Where’s the grit and integrity gone?

OK, here I go into the realm of real offensive opinion — the world is a much bigger place than your imaginary bubble and the protective environment you wish you could live in.  The world is harsh and it WILL not change because we want it to. It is what it is, and always will be.  Political correctness is an illusion.   Politeness should be expected, not pandering.

There are rules, there are standards and there are laws that will not change due to our behaviors and desires.  Evolution does not work that way.  The changes that come about as a result of our behaviors have consequences, and those consequences will play out in time. We are all free to choose our path.  We are all free to choose our behavior, but we are never free to choose the consequences of our actions.

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Marcus Tullius Cicero is the primary proponent for Natural Law, and Natural Law is what our founding fathers based their entire lives on and it is what they used to govern themselves toward the establishment of this great nation.

Sir William Blackstone said about Natural Law,  “it is the only reliable basis for a stable society and a system of justice”

What is Natural Law?

A good place to start is to seek out the writings of one of the founding fathers’ favorite authors, Marcus Tullius Cicero.

It was Cicero who cut sharply through  the political astigmatism and philosophical errors of Aristotle and Plato to discover the touchtone for good laws, sound government and the long range formula for happy human relations.

Cicero projected the future of a grand society based on the principles of Natural Law and the founding fathers carried that vision forward as fulfillment of Cicero’s prophesy.  They saw in Cicero’s writings the necessary ingredients for their model society.

To Cicero the building of a society on the principles of Natural Law was nothing more nor less than recognizing and identifying the rules of right conduct with the laws of the Supreme Creator of the Universe

Natural Law is eternal and universal.

“True law is right reason in agreement  with nature. it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting. it summons to duty by its commands and averts from wrongdoing by its prohibitions.  it is a sin to try to alter this law. Nor is it allowable to repeal any part of it and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. we cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it.  And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens or different laws now and in the future but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times and there will be one master and ruler, that is God over us all.  For He is the Author of this law, it’s Promulgator and its enforcing Judge. Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his human nature and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst punishment.”  ~Marcus Tullius Cicero 106 BC – 43 BC

This is where I get called a racist and a bigot.  But I have a foundation and I have given sources.  If you don’t believe in God it is your choice not to, but He is real and He rules all.

[Most of what is said in this post, apart from my own words was taken from W. Cleon Skousen and his book 'The 5000 Year Leap']

Freedom of Choice and the Consequences of Liberty

We all stand on the principles, as Americans, that we are a free people and that we have our liberties; freedom of choice and liberty of will.  These are rights granted to us by our constitution.  We claim them as unalienable rights, granted to us by divine providence through the laws of Nature, Virtue and common Morality.  These are the principles of the Anglo Saxon pioneers who founded this land and established our first colonies and these are the principles our founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington followed after in drafting the timeless and inspired documents of freedom and independence that we stand on to claim these freedoms from oppressive government rule locally and around the world.

When these freedoms are encroached upon by unrighteous governmental dominion we have the responsibility as citizens of this great republic to speak our minds and make our voices heard in the halls of education, administration and before the judges who stand in place to enforce our laws and interpret our constitutional rights and freedoms.  Our administrators and judges are not in place to exercise dominion over us or to enforce laws upon us without merit or justification.  And when we find ourselves being subjected to restrictions by our government officials based on the laws that they have enacted for the gain of power and control over the freedoms of the commonwealth of the people, we have a responsibility to be informed, to understand our laws, to understand our constitutional rights and to stand up and be heard so we as brothers and sisters do not fall to the tyranny of government oppression.

I find it troubling that too many people in this day and age complain about the ills of society, about what they see as not fair or what they claim as unconstitutional, or what new laws they claim should be enacted by congress and interpreted by the courts.  These are mostly based on precedents set by previous judgments by higher courts and powerful lawyers, bending our freedoms to the wills of lobbyists and powerful special interest groups who do not serve the interests of the commonwealth and only exist to increase their own wealth and fill their pockets by greed and by ruling industry and corporations, by raising taxes, by increasing costs and by controlling the supply of goods and services to the people.

I find it troubling that too many people, when they feel oppressed in any way look to the government for solutions to their societal struggles rather than looking within themselves for answers, to stand up in the face of tyranny and choose liberty and freedom of oppressive rule and excessive restriction to natural resources, jobs and the blessings of prosperity divinely granted over time as we have grown and prospered as a nation and throughout the world.

I find it troubling that too many people seek government rule as a means to an end of social problems when these problems have been created as a result of the people themselves exercising irresponsibly the constitutional rights granted them in our founding documents.

I find it troubling that rather than with reason and the acceptance of personal responsibility, too many people point their fingers in accusation against others and find fault in the actions of others rather than looking inward for solutions to the things that trouble them.

We are not responsible for the actions of our fellow citizens, but we are responsible for the actions of ourselves and we are responsible as citizens of this free republic to hold our fellow citizens accountable for the abuse of their freedoms and their irresponsible and selfish behavior when taking advantage of unnecessary government hand outs and misguided solutions to societal ills and social problems.

We are responsible to defend the freedoms and rights we are granted in the constitutions of our own states, our community charters, the rules enacted by our local administrative bodies and the freedoms granted by the constitution and bill of rights of this nation.

We are responsible to be familiar with the words of our constitutions; our state and national constitutions, our bills of rights, the laws enacted by our legislative bodies, the powers that our elected officials are exercising over us and the rules of the judges and the precedents set by them by their interpretation of the arguments of lawyers which in many cases are presented only to justify the poor decisions of their wealthy clients and to line their pockets with the money these greedy individual can afford to pay them.  To get away with their unethical acts by circumventing the rule of law based on precedents established by the twisting of words and misinterpretation of our freedoms and liberties stated in our founding documents.

Changes in our constitutional freedoms come about by the actions of the people and the special interests of those who have power given them by their status in society because of their wealth.  For no other reason than that they have the ability to reward those who will hear them because they can most quickly satisfy the greed of the bureaucrats and line their pockets with filthy lucre rather than provide and enforce our already established laws and defend our freedoms and liberties as a great commonwealth of a virtuous and moral people.

It is time for us to stand up and be informed.  It is time for us to stand up and be educated about the things that are happening in the halls of congress and the  legislative powers that we have elected, who are now enforcing greater laws, taxes and oppression on our heads in the name of correcting problems in a private society brought on by the greed of special interest groups such as the pharmaceutical companies, medical industry and insurance conglomerates.

It is time for us to stand up and solve these problems with private industry, with technology, with the bright minds of our educated youth and the coming together of people who have vision for our future and the survival of this great nation.  To never let the oppressive rule of government bureaucracies encumber our ability to thrive and progress as a nation, as a people, as families and as individuals in our pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.

It is time for us to come together and stand in defense of our constitution, to cast our votes responsibly and to elect individuals who have a correct understanding of morality, ethical standards and virtuous character.  To elect individuals who have their eyes and minds set on a course of healing, of progress and of constructive management of resources and who will enforce our laws as they have been established without unnecessarily enacting greater laws as some disingenuous solution to misunderstood or misinterpreted laws already passed or because of the uninformed and ignorant complaints of lazy people; to satisfy their own desires to retain the power of their offices and their status as government officials.

It is time for us to elect officials who will stand up for our freedoms to progress and to pursue life, liberty and happiness without oppressive taxation without representation, who will not encumber our progress with governmental bureaucracies established by the lust for power and for the creation of comfortable positions of status over our communities and our society.

It is time for us as a people to remind our officials that they have been elected by a commonwealth to be public servants and that they have not been elected so that they can sit in their positions of status as paid tyrants to enforce unjust restrictions over our freedoms of divinely granted will.

It is time for us to take back our states and take back our nation and take back our freedoms.  It is time for us to take back our communities.  It is time for us to take back our families from educators who grant themselves authority over our children by the mandates of the unions and the rhetoric and agendas of special interest groups who wish to control the minds of our youth to meet their ends.  To satisfy their greed and their lust for control because of their want to excuse themselves from ethical and moral behavior based on the tenets of virtue and moral character as written in our founding documents and stated by our founding fathers.

It is time for us to remind our educators and the authorities of education that we are the parents of these children and that we have given them the opportunity to educate our children and to teach them reading, writing, arithmetic, social studies, history, art, music, athletics, debate and language arts and that we pay them by our taxes and that it is our right to determine the discipline and exercise of moral authority over our children and over our families.  It is our responsibility as parents to teach our children correct principles of morality, character and virtue within the walls of our homes and to never expect our educators to be the proponents of these divine principles.

We must demand that our educators refrain from imposing their personal views of moral conduct and passive restriction on the freedoms, wills and minds of our bright and noble children and stop destroying their wills to create and express and grow into the amazing individuals who are the future generations of leadership and who will guide this country on into the future. Our children should be taught to be standards of liberty and freedom throughout the world, to spread democracy to nations around the world.

It is time!

Sources

During all the controversy I’ve created among my circle of friends and family with my thoughts and opinions I’ve come to find that they want sources for my insights.  I have failed to provide the sources of my research, therefore I am being accused of lying and making things up.

In the future I will start to cite my sources but for now I’ll say that all of what I have gathered has come from the study of a combination of sources.  Many of which will go against the  grain of many peoples comfort but these are my conclusions based on research of the best books I have found in life.  And one of the things I was taught as a child was to find truth from the best books, and I have held on to that as a standard of guidance for my life, to answer the questions I come up against throughout my trials and they have served me well as I now have inner peace and calm and I am in balance with what I believe is divine nature, God.

People in my life accuse me of many things but I have come to this by work, research, experience, living life, making mistakes, making choices, exercising reason and applying these things to my daily life.  These are all the things the people in my life who are accusing me of wrong doing are telling me to do, and I do them, and these are the results.  So why are they pointing fingers at me?  I think the confusion is with them, not with me.  I am fine and I am free.

My primary sources are the cannon of scripture from the LDS church.  The King James version of the bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, along with many translations of ancient Egyptian writings from the times of the pharaohs.  I also follow after the philosophies of the ancient Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero, coupled with the reason and integrity of our founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams and George Washington.

Recently I have been privileged to have been enlightened by the teachings of Dr. Bruce Lipton, a microbiologist who has done stem cell research  since 1967 and who has pioneered the new bio-science of epigenetics.

Thanks for following along.  Comments are welcome,  please check your anger at the door.  This is discussion of important matters that pertain to life.  Humor is welcome always!

Thoughts on Subconscious Choice

I have given a little more thought to the idea that  sexuality is determined by environment (from my previous post on Homosexuality) and want to elaborate a little on that matter.

I say it is determined by environment and that gives way for a need to define what I see as being the environment that provides the stimulus, which in turn creates the response toward sexual identity.  Environment is just that, environment.  It is everything outside of ourselves by which we are surrounded and influenced and affected.  Things act on us and we respond and react to that stimulus.

They come in many forms, some are words, some are thoughts we develop based on experience or perception and some are circumstances beyond our control such as accidents or trauma or surprise or just mere change as life plays out.

The interpretation of the stimulus is perception, and perception comes from the application of our emotion upon the stimulus.  Then, coupled with volition, which is our divinely given will (which is part of another discussion of Natural Law) a subconscious choice is made and identity of self is defined, and then the person acts in accordance to his understanding of self and the person develops identity and character based on this recipe for survival and perception.

I hope that makes sense as this is how I understand it and I am doing my best to present my understanding clearly because I think it is important that we, especially in our society in this 21st century come together in understanding and acceptance of people’s self identity; but also have the integrity to apply morality and responsibility to behavior and choice to uphold the fabric of our society and nation so we can continue to progress and thrive.

My religion is showing!

Alright, every once in a while the virtual soap box upon which I stand on the information superhighway becomes a platform for religious discussion. All my life I’ve been a pretty consistent rule breaker and I’m breaking the politic/religion rule here. I’m not trying to start a war or convert anyone, it’s just that there are some things that are so intimately woven into the fabric of my being that I have to express them, and that’s what this blog is all about.

Everyone knows by now that I’m one of those kooky Mormons. I’ve been growing my hair long to hide my horns and I have sixteen of my wives living secretly in a bunker west of the Great Salt Lake.

And most people know that we Mormons have this extra bit of scripture we call the Book of Mormon. I’ve mentioned it in other blog posts because a lot of what I think about corresponds to its teachings and it has helped shape my philosophy throughout my life. It’s a good book!

But there are some things about its coming forth that are somewhat extraordinary. They don’t prove its authenticity but they are things not to be merely dismissed and taken lightly if one is prone to argue against the truthfulness of the book.

Just to give a very brief synopsis of what the Book of Mormon is: It’s a record of a people who came from Jerusalem during the reign of King Zedekiah around 600 BC. They built a boat and crossed the waters, brought with them records of the ancient prophets, i.e. Jeremiah, Isaiah, Moses, Zenock, Zenos (guess they liked the Z names); some in the Bible and some not but for the most part they had the law of Moses and the writings of the old testament prophets.

This people kept records on plates made of brass and gold and hid them up with prayers to God and a promise from Him to them that the record would come forth in the latter days by simple and small means to bring to pass the work of righteousness for the salvation of their ancestry and the family of men. Joseph Smith, Jr. was the vessel directed by God’s hand to bring this record to light in these, the last days.

Here is a list of many factoids concerning the Book of Mormon and its translator, Joseph Smith, Jr.

1. He was between 23 and 24 years of age
2. He had only three years of formal schooling
3. The book contains 239 chapters; 54 of them about wars, 21 about history, 55 about prophecy, 71 about doctrines, 17 about missionaries, and 21 about the mission of Christ
4. The book contains the history of two separate nations, along with histories of different contemporary nations and groups of people
5. It describes in detail the religious, economic, social and political cultures and institutions of these two nations.
6. The book covers a period over 1000 years of history and was written in approximately 80 days
7. Since it was finished there have been no major contextual changes, only grammatical corrections
8. There is a challenge to the reader at the end of the book concerning its authenticity and truth: “And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask of God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, He will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost”
9. Millions of people have testified that they know the book to be true and correct because they put the challenge to the test
10. Many great men, intellectual giants and scholars have subscribed discipleship to the record and its movement even to giving their very lives
11. The descriptions of the cultures in the civilizations spoken of in the book were not known when it was published but have since been discovered to exist exactly as described
12. There are no contradictions within the book or with the words of the Holy Bible
13. Many of the facts, ideas, and statements given in the record were in direct opposition with the prevailing beliefs of the world at the time it was published
14. The translator invited the ablest scholars and experts to examine the text with care. He made great efforts to see that the book got into the hands of all those most eager to prove it a forgery
15. Thorough investigation, scientific evidence and archaeological discoveries for the next 180 years have verified the claims and proven many of the details in the book
16. After 180 years of extensive analysis, not one claim or fact in the book has been disproved
17. The translator, Joseph Smith, Jr., after suffering persecutions and revilement for 20 years after finishing the translation died as a martyr at the hands of evil men for his testimony that it is a true record given to us from God

You can read it online –> here

You coulda fooled me!

I need to preface this post by saying I don’t 100% agree with the sentiment expressed within.  I do, however like the way I expressed it and think there’s some food for thought here.  It’s easy to be hyper-sensitive at times and perceive things that are not actually taking place.

********

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.”
— Brigham Young

Tonight I went to a dance.  It was weird, but I was there.  It was a dance in downtown SLC at a Masonic lodge put on by some people who throw parties and dances for single people over the age of thirty five.  So I went with a friend for something to do, to hang out, dance a little, mingle, munch on some snacks, say hi to some friends and call it a night.

It was good for the most part, but I do have one big complaint.  And I hate to complain.  I used to like to complain a lot.  I used to have a good old time blogging and criticizing people, complaining about all sorts of crazy and unimportant things I found irritating in my life.  That was back when I was basically miserable inside; happy on the outside but tormented on the inside.  Now I’m what you see is what you get.

So I wandered down to the area where all the people I know are dancing and they’re laughing, having a good time and dancing.  Now, the deal here is that all the guys want the women to like them and they’re all trying to impress all the women.  And all the women want to look good enough to be accepted by the other women and to be liked by all the guys.  So there’s this dynamic going on of human mating rituals, showing off, trying to impress each other and all sorts of one-upsmanship and I’m just there to hang out.  I could give two shits about impressing anyone or making a love connection.

These are people I know, I’ve associated with in the past; not people I’d put on my Christmas list or to whose funerals I would be invited, but they are people I’ve shared the social spotlight with and we have common friends.  When I go to these dances I don’t get all excited and immediately run out on the dance floor and start cutting a groove to China.  I like to stand back for a while, watch everyone, see who is around, watch what’s happening, have some snacks, meet a person or two and then maybe dance a little bit.  I think because I approach it this way that some people think I’m being a snob or anti-social.  It’s not that at all; I just like to soak things in.  I’m different from most people and I don’t feel like I have to jump into the fray to avoid missing some critical moment in social evolution.  OK, that was a snobbish comment; maybe I should take it back.  It doesn’t apply to everyone but I know it applies to some.

When I finally got down to the group I started dancing with my friend and I said hello to a few of the people there from across the room; talked to one or two of them a little bit.  There were some casual hellos given with a little courteous wave of the hand but it was mostly insincere, formal gesturing.

When the whole shebang was through the house lights came up and all the glad handing and hugging commenced and people started saying their goodbyes.  This is where it was really apparent that I was not part of the pack.  Eye contact was avoided with me by people I’ve had lengthy intimate conversations with in the past and except for a few of them who are genuinely cool people, nobody had any time or interest in my being there.  I only bring this up because I know why it happened like this.  It’s because of my past; because I spent some time in jail and that I have a reputation for associating with more rough-around-the-edges sorts of crowds.  In short, it’s a result of the choices I’ve made in the past.

Now, it does bother me on some level but I really want to say it doesn’t bother me at all, and tomorrow it isn’t going to bother me one bit and I’m going to feel like I shouldn’t have made this blog post at all; but like I said in the preface, I think there’s some food for thought in here.

Truly, it doesn’t really bother me other than just on the surface.  I mean I could take them or leave them, except that they’re my brothers and sisters and I do care for them and love them, but they’re just people, regular people who have regular lives.  They come and go; they’re not a critical part of my life.

But this sort of thing has never happened to me before although I have witnessed it happening to others in this very same circle.  I have seen people come and go from this social circle because they become offended and feel ostracized by the indifference of others.

I like to talk to people.  I like to say hello to strangers and make conversation with people I don’t know.  I like to make someone I don’t know laugh and try to make an impression on them to help them feel like there’s somebody out there who found them interesting enough to give their attention to.  That’s what uplifting our brothers and sisters is about.  And it’s not about doing it just to get it done, it’s about being sincerely interested in another person.

This sort of snubbing I see going on with people of this age only happens in Utah and in the LDS social circles.  It’s sad but true.  I certainly hate to be critical of my people; and they are my people because of my ancestry, my culture and the group I primarily identify myself with.

The core of our religious beliefs is Jesus Christ and love, compassion and service.  The purpose of our very lives is to help up build the kingdom of God on the earth and welcome all of our brothers and sisters into the fold; especially those who have been lost and wandering; not to shun them because they have habits or tendencies toward things that go against the teachings of our gospel.  Because to be completely honest, all of us are guilty of that very thing.  If that were not true none of us would need repentance.  It’s just that many people have bad habits that are easy to hide, that don’t outwardly offend others or make others out-rightly uncomfortable.

Say there’s one guy who shows up reeking of cigarette smoke, wearing a Headbanger’s Ball t-shirt and another guy shows up who has just spent the past three hours watching hard-core pornography in the privacy of his own home.  How easy is it to pass judgment in a case like that?  The outward appearance is important, but the truth is more important.

Sometimes I wonder if the feeling is that if they associate with me they will somehow be categorized by their peers as being sympathetic to whatever behavior or experience in my past opposes their values.  I have a checkered past and it surely rubs some people the wrong way.  And there are others who look right past it and know me as the person I am; not for the light that shines on me but for the light that shines from me.

Often times, people close themselves off and huddle together in their social groups like Jr. High School kids.  I know they don’t do this on purpose and I know they have bigger hearts than I’m making it sound like, but their actions certainly mean something.  I know they do good things and give service, are good parents, good friends and good, honest citizens.  I tried to socialize with them, I tried to be a part of the crowd, tried to be friendly, tried to open up but there’s something going on, something about me that threatens or otherwise makes them feel uneasy.

Somebody is going to read this blog post and word is going to spread and then they’ll know how I feel, then they will feel justified in ignoring me because they can point to the attitude expressed in this blog post and say it’s because of my own behavior I feel this way.  But I didn’t feel this way until tonight.

So I got this off my chest, it’s just a rant and it’s probably an overblown misunderstanding but the essence of what I’m saying is surely going to resonate with some people who understand exactly where I’m coming from.  Then there will be the defensive group who won’t have a clue what I’m talking about and think I’m just being a jerk.  Then there might be a couple who are exceptions, who were actually very cool to me and who don’t belong as part of this rant, but who mistakenly think I still mean them too.

You can’t make everyone happy all of the time.  There’s no use in trying, so I just tell the truth, call it like I see it, speak my mind, say what I’m feeling and let the cards fall where they may.  This makes some people uncomfortable but I live life with a clean conscious knowing that I’m honest and truthful.  People don’t have to guess what I’m thinking or wonder how I feel.  Despite all of this ranting, I have nothing against any of these good people and I admire all of them in many different ways.

It’s just unfortunate that some of them feel uncomfortable.  Is it my fault or is it their problem? I don’t know.  I don’t think it really matters anyway.  I think what matters is that the future holds good things and that everything is going to be just fine and that I have no reason to bitch about anything.

Worlds collide

I sit here in a hotel room because I don’t have a home.  I have so many friends who take care of my every need.  I love them so much.  I’ve been so blessed to have such wonderful friends and new aquaintences but there is another side to the coin.  I have a family and a wake of destruction behind me who don’t have any faith in me and who don’t want me around. 

What if those two worlds were to collide?

It would mean work for sure.  Healing would be the ultimate goal.  To bring a family together after having broken it apart would be a true miracle.  I hope it is possible.  I have lived my life to make it that way and it’s time now to heal.

Finding direction

For quite some time now I have believed I knew what I was doing, where I was headed and what I wanted. The truth is that I had a head full of thoughts influenced by, let’s say false sources.

I chose to be angry and resentful at what life has given me. When I started down that path it made sense to me and I believed I was right. I believed it so strongly that I began to hurt people in my life. I certainly lashed out at those who I believed had wronged me. Whether they did or not really doesn’t matter. The truth is that we ALL make choices and we all have our trials to bear and more importantly; we ALL make mistakes. What I mean by that is, we are all walking our own paths and I have to allow people to have their will, to choose their own paths and accept what those choices bring into my life.

For me to hold any grudges only hurts me. The right thing to do is to forgive and heal. It is nobody’s fault that I hurt or that I feel anger in any way. It is only my own choice.

I have held people accountable for the way I feel for a very long time. It is not their choice nor is it their responsibility. The people I’m talking about are actually wonderful and loving people with their own lives to live and their own feelings to live with.

I am sorry from the depths of my soul for blaming others for anything that is my responsibility.

For more than three years I have been walking a path that has led me down a long and lonesome road that I believed was the road for me. Suddenly, I realized I was in an unfamiliar place with a long journey back to where I belong.

I am walking back to find the straight and narrow path, to grab the iron rod again and hold tight. If I can do it I can get back everything I have lost. And the truth is that I have lost it. It was not taken from me. I quit before the trial was over. It is not up to me to determine the timeline of this life. It is only up to me to do what is right within the circumstances of my life. I am so looking forward to coming back, no matter what it takes or how long it takes.

A year in review prologue

1.12.11 – Three years later I see this post and realize that it was just the beginning of a long road of challenge and change that would smooth me into the being I am today

What a year this has been. I’ll wrap it up in a mighty long future blog post, but I want to start with a preface of sorts. This year started with me being broke and unsettled (not quite homeless), not knowing what would happen from day to day and wondering if life was even worth living. The only thing I had to live for was my children. I felt like I was free falling, thrashing around, trying to grab on to anything I could to calm the madness in my head. On the outside I appeared relatively OK but on the inside there was a storm raging. Only my closest friends had any idea of what what going on.

I used to be angry. Now I’m happy. 2007 is the year that it all changed for me. For the first time in my life I have been able to embrace lasting success and happiness without the self defeating sabotage I usually thrust upon myself.

In a nutshell, divorce ****ed me up. It was a mental game of 52 card pickup. Everything in my life was tossed in the air and scattered. It was up to me to put things back together in the right order. I haven’t done things quite right but I have my sights set on what’s right.

I’m not living the most ideal life according to my ancestral expectations and values but to compare where I came from to where I am now, and where I am headed I see an exciting and wonderful life ahead. There are some circumstances in my life that are beyond my control and that are sort of keeping me in a holding pattern but I am happy to be here, holding on tight and enjoying the love of life I get with a woman who allows me to be the best me I can be. Good god this is sappy shit, but this is what I’ve become. I’m happy and in love and I expect 2008 to be a breakout year.