A year in review prologue

What a year this has been. I’ll wrap it up in a mighty long future blog post, but I want to start with a preface of sorts. This year started with me being broke and unsettled (not quite homeless), not knowing what would happen from day to day and wondering if life was even worth living. The only thing I had to live for was my children. I felt like I was free falling, thrashing around, trying to grab on to anything I could to calm the madness in my head. On the outside I appeared relatively OK but on the inside there was a storm raging. Only my closest friends had any idea of what what going on.

I used to be angry. Now I’m happy. 2007 is the year that it all changed for me. For the first time in my life I have been able to embrace lasting success and happiness without the self defeating sabotage I usually thrust upon myself.

In a nutshell, divorce fucked me up. It was a mental game of 52 card pickup. Everything in my life was tossed in the air and scattered. It was up to me to put things back together in the right order. I haven’t done things quite right but I have my sights set on what’s right. Dang, maybe I should be a rappa.

I’m not living the most ideal life according to my ancestral expectations and values but to compare where I came from to where I am now, and where I am headed I see an exciting and wonderful life ahead. There are some circumstances in my life that are beyond my control and that are sort of keeping me in a holding pattern but I am happy to be here, holding on tight and enjoying the love of life I get with a woman who allows me to be the best me I can be. Good god this is sappy shit, but this is what I’ve become. I’m happy and in love and I expect 2008 to be a breakout year.

Here’s the story, of a lovely lady…

I received news yesterday that my ex wife is getting married. This is not news per se, as I have known about her engagement for quite some time. She has been waffling back and forth on a date. First it was in December, then it was to wait until next spring, then it was as soon as they get a house together, then yesterday I received word that they are hitching it up next Wednesday (I’m sure the pressure she felt from my petition to modify the divorce decree had absolutely nothing to do with it…). There’s nothing like a good sandy foundation upon which to build a third marriage.

You’d think people could learn from their experiences and observations through life and play things more cautiously than before. Evidently some can not.

When we got married she was taking her shot at a second marriage — it was my first. I was blind and idealistic…and naive. I quickly adopted her two daughters (and she quickly rejected her ex husband and every member of his family and kept them completely out of the children’s lives) and less than a year later we had our third daughter together. I was in way over my head and there was tension and stress from every direction weighing me down and I had no escape. I was overwhelmed and alone in this family of 4…and it grew to a family of 7 before the last chapter of this tragedy was written.

Suffice it to say we did not do well and I had a hard time adjusting to being a father/step-father and taking on the responsibility of providing for a family with a stay-at-home mom after living my life as a single man for 30 years. I had adjustment troubles with my adopted daughters, even though I love them dearly, and the wife, consciously or not, drove a wedge between us at every turn by taking sides in our struggles. I’m sure that is common in these hybrid type families.

We have been divorced officially for 15 months and she is getting married for the third time, joining our 5 kids and his 3 kids together into a Brady Bunch style family of maniacal proportions. Incidentally he is the same age I was when we first got married…which makes him 14 years her junior.

I wonder what she believes she is getting into. I feel sorry that she hasn’t learned much through her tragic life other than to run from problems by heaping new ones upon her shoulders. She has been through 2 miserable marriages and divorces already (not to mention the childhood she endured) and is quick to jump into yet another, more stressful dynamic with open arms and fanciful expectations. I have my opinions, which I shall reserve.

I hope for the best as this family construct is going to mold my children in their formative years. I saw the effects of marital stress and the results on my older daughters as we jumped unprepared into our holy union. I was beyond unprepared and I will say that her new chump, I mean husband at least has a solid career and some parenting years under his belt.

There is a silver lining in all of this, other than me being completely rid of that Jezebel. Alimony is a thing of the past.

Burned out, broke and bored

Some days I feel so burned out on life. I sit in my cubicle typing and thinking and answering questions and giving people advice to things that a little common sense might provide to them on their own and I ask myself, “what’s in it for me?” The only answer I can come up with is that I need this salary so I can continue to support my kids. I don’t have much for myself, I live like a pauper (except that I have an empty apartment with borrowed furniture) and my ex-wife gets most of my dough for herself. I’m in debt, I’m bored and I’m tired of all this bullshit.

I’m not depressed. I’m actually quite happy most of the time, it’s just that I don’t see a lot that I look forward to. That’s why I say I’m bored rather than depressed. I can laugh and I can enjoy the moment but the mountain of debt I have and the burden of all this bullshit alimony and child support just takes away my ability to live my life as a single man. How could I ever support another family if I can barely squeak by on my own? That’s what lawyers are for.

We are in litigation right now, I suppose I have that to look forward to. She doesn’t need alimony. She started working after the divorce was final and she brings home more than I pay her in alimony. Do the math, alimony goes bye-bye. Yipee! I’m looking forward to that little bump in salary.

All the things I expected in life have changed. I feel lost sometimes, like I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next because I always expected to be Captain Family Man with a wife and kids by my side at all times. Now I find myself in the single man’s world with a girlfriend and a lot of unknowns about my future. Will I stay with her? Will we move on? Will she break my heart? Will I break hers? Will her I get maimed in a horrible knitting accident and live the remainder of my days on plastic tubing, breathing through a hole in my neck? If I were brain dead that might not be such a bad thing. At least then I could probably comprehend my ex’s motivation since we would then have become intellectual equals.